I wanna be where you are
by dicaprio
Summary: What might have happened if Roxy had become pregnant with Christian's baby at the end of January 2011 ...
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

_April 2012_

Syed waits for the alarm to go off before getting up. He mechanically goes through his morning routine, and then heads off to the Estate Agents where he has been employed for almost a month.

He doesn't like or dislike his job; he comes in each day, does what he has to do without saying very much to anyone, and goes home. And whilst this doesn't bother the guys he works with, his boss, Mike, feels rather differently.

By the end of Syed's interview for the job, Mike knew he'd found exactly the type of guy he'd been looking for; he had the personality, experience and enthusiasm required. But it wouldn't have mattered what Syed said in his interview; because from the moment Mike laid eyes on the most beautiful man he'd ever seen, he was captivated. And as the weeks have passed, the attraction has only intensified, to the point where he now wants Syed more than he's ever wanted any guy. And, unfortunately for Syed, Mike is used to getting what he wants; he has the looks, intelligence and money to overcome pretty much any obstacle; and Syed's indifference only makes him even more irresistible.

Syed isn't aware of Mike in any way; he pays him no attention except when he can't avoid it; there is nothing Mike could ever do that would get Syed's attention. Syed doesn't care about his job, about his life; he's just going through the motions, keeping busy. He doesn't get a buzz out of making a sale, but does it because it comes easy to him. His life may be a mess, but he can always slip into his cheerful, persuasive, sales-pitch voice for the customer.

##########################

_Six weeks earlier (February 2012)_

"Christian, don't you even think about going out tonight," Syed warns in a quiet voice so as not to wake the baby.

"I promised Rox I'd meet her for a quick drink, I won't be long," Christian vaguely assures, as he puts on his jacket.

"No, we haven't finished talking," Syed snaps, grabbing his arm. "I've been here all day on my own with Kylie; so don't you dare think you can just pop in, have something to eat, grab a shower and head back out."

"To be honest, Sy, it's been a tough day; I need to relax and unwind, and sitting here listening to you complaining isn't doing much for me."

"It was your idea to have a baby," Syed desperately reminds him.

"Oh, was it really? I'd forgotten, but thank you for reminding me one more time," Christian sneers sarcastically. "You're acting as if I don't spend any time with her, but you know I do my share."

"Yea, when you're here. Recently, you seem to be working longer and longer hours; and when you do manage to get home at a decent hour, you only stay for a while and then you're off out with Roxy. You used to do your share, in the beginning; when it was all new, and you could bring her around the Square and everyone would fuss over you both; but it's been a while since you've done more than play with her or cuddle her, or get her ready for bed the odd time."

"Don't you dare try to question how much I love Kylie," Christian hisses, "and just to be clear, all this extra work I'm doing is to make sure she has everything she needs and to provide for her future; our future. I only go out with Rox the odd time; and, by the way, I'm really tired of you flying off the handle every time I mention her name; if it hadn't been for Roxy, we wouldn't have Kylie."

"And that's another thing," Syed interrupts furiously, "you won't even discuss my going back to work, and us sharing the babysitting."

"You know it's not practical for me to work part time right now; I'm trying to build up the business, and make a name for myself; and anyway, Rox mentioned that Tanya had given your room at the Salon to some other guy. Look, we'll talk later, I have to go, Rox will be waiting."

Syed hits the door with his fist in frustration after he's left, which wakes Kylie.

_Later that same night_

"Tam, can you come over and watch Kylie for me for a little while?" Syed asks, as soon as he answers his phone.

"It's 1am," Tam replies sleepily.

"Please Tam, I'll owe you big time," Syed begs.

"Okay, give me 15 minutes," Tam replies; he can hear the tension in his brother's voice.

###

Syed feels awkward walking into R&R so late; but as soon as he sees the guilty, panicky look on Roxy's face, he knows he's done the right thing. "Where is he?" he demands without preamble, as soon as he gets as far as her.

"He's in the gents," Roxy quickly replies. "How are things? How is Kylie; is she keeping you awake at night?"

"Give me your phone," Syed barks.

"What? Syed!" Roxy squeaks, as he grabs her clutch bag and takes the phone out of it. He then heads for the gents, which are empty. He finds Christian out back; he has some guy pinned up against the wall; their mouths and tongues battling furiously; their hands tearing at each other's clothes. Syed's hands quickly come up to cover his mouth to stop the instinctive cry of pain from being heard; he quietly backs away on legs which are barely able to support him.

"You knew what Christian was like when you first started up with him; you know he's the type of guy who sometimes likes to, you know ... it doesn't mean anything," Roxy babbles nervously, knowing by the look on his face when he walks past her what has happened. "Syed ..." she trails off, as Syed closes the front door of the club after him, stopping her following.

Discovering his wallet in his jacket pocket, he heads straight for the train station. He will have to wait a few hours for the first train; but the alternative, having to face Christian, is unthinkable.

_A few minutes later_

"Sy, Sy," Christian calls breathlessly, bursting through the door of the flat.

"He hasn't come back yet," Tamwar tells him.

And when he still hasn't come back a few days later, Christian is starting to lose his mind. He's even forced his way into the Masood house, and up into Syed's old room to make sure he isn't hiding there. It is only the memory of how much it hurt last time that keeps Masood from punching him in the face.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Syed has been in Leeds, staying with a couple of guys he knows from when he used to live there. After a week, he returns to the Square, and comes to an arrangement with Denise and Kim that he can have a room in their B&B at a special rate until he gets his own place. He then sets about finding a job.

He's been back a few days before he returns one evening to find Christian waiting for him.

"Hi," he says hesitantly.

"I don't want you here, please leave," Syed gets straight to the point, as he walks past him and into his room.

"Sy, please just hear me out," Christian begs, quickly slipping in before Syed can close the door in his face.

"I don't want to talk to you," he insists, his voice devoid of any emotion.

"What happened that night ..."

Syed walks into the bathroom and closes the door on his words. When he comes out 20 minutes later wearing a bathrobe, after having had a shower, he makes no comment on finding Christian where he left him.

"Sy, I want you to come home," he says quietly, "I miss you; Kylie misses you."

Syed picks out some clean clothes and goes back into the bathroom to get dressed.

"I'm not leaving until you hear me out," Christian informs him when he next makes an appearance; but his words have no effect on Syed, not anymore. He goes to leave the room, but Christian bars his way; so he pours himself a drink, picks up a book and goes to sit on a chair by the window.

"Look, I know I did a terrible thing, but I was upset because we'd been arguing; we've been arguing so much recently. I know it's no excuse, and it was a stupid thing to do; but I got really drunk and ...," he offers his weak excuses.

When Syed doesn't look up, he goes to kneel by his chair. He takes the book from him and puts it aside, and then takes both of his hands in his own. "In a relationship there has to be some give and take," he gently reminds him, "you can't just go running off at the first sign of trouble, without even talking to me. People make mistakes; you can't just end us because of this."

Syed gives no sign of having heard anything he's said.

"Have you even considered Kylie, and what it's doing to her not being able to see her daddy?"

"Syed's head drops a little, but otherwise he doesn't react.

"Please babe, give me another chance," he tries to gently coax, taking his chin and forcing his head up so that he has to give him his attention. Syed lowers his eyes.

"I was afraid you were never coming back," he admits shakily, "I've had a nightmare 10 days, worrying that something might have happened to you. You should have let me know where you were; that you were okay."

"Get out," is Syed's only response. He pushes his hands away and gets up, intending to walk to the other side of the room in attempt to put some distance between them; but Christian gets up after him and takes his arm.

"Can't we put this behind us? I promise it will never happen again," he pleads, sliding his arms around him and pulling him into his embrace. Syed struggles against him, but he holds him tightly. "I've never stopped loving you, and I know you still love me," he adds huskily. "I've missed you so much," he murmurs, as he leans forward to kiss him. Syed tries to turn his head away, but Christian buries his hand in his hair, holding him still. He puts up no further resistance; he allows the kiss, but doesn't respond. The ring of pain around his heart is blocking everything out.

"Sy, don't shut me out," Christian pleads against his lips, trying to get through to him.

"Please leave," Syed requests once more, as soon as he lets him pull back. His voice, as it has been since Christian arrived, is lacking anger or any other emotion, and this is really starting to worry him.

Letting him go, he steps back. And, studying him properly for the first time, he notices that Syed looks exhausted, that he has lost weight, and that his eyes are as lifeless as his voice.

"I'm sorry," he whispers; the first truly genuine, heart-felt words he has spoken since arriving. Not knowing what else to do, he finally walks away.

Syed sits back down on the chair and opens his book.

###

The following evening when he gets back after a job interview, Christian and Kylie are waiting.

Syed can only stare at Kylie for a moment, noticing how much she's changed in the few weeks since he last saw her; taking in every little detail.

"Would you like to hold her?" Christian asks.

"Yes," he responds huskily, and Christian places her in his arms.

"Hey hon," he whispers softly. "Its dada," he adds shakily, suddenly terrified she might have forgotten him.

"Dada, dada, dada," she babbles excitedly, reaching out with both hands to touch his face. He walks over with her and sits on the bed. Bending his knees, he puts her lying so that she is looking up at him, and they chat for a little while. Christian sits on the bed and contentedly watches them. From the moment she was born, Syed loved to talk to her, to tell her all kinds of stuff she couldn't understand; and as soon as she was able to make any sounds, she would answer him in her own adorable way. The strain slips from Syed's face, and his guard drops. Everything bad is forgotten for a little while, until Kylie starts to get tired.

"I've kept to the routine you had for her," Christian reluctantly interrupts, "so she's due to go to bed now."

"Okay," Syed says miserably.

"She could sleep here; we could both sleep here; I could sleep on the couch," he urgently entreats.

"No," Syed quietly responds.

"Why don't you come to see us tomorrow evening," he offers, "I can cook."

"I can't," Syed insists. And after giving his daughter a hug and a kiss on the cheek, and a whispered "I love you", he gets up and gently places her back in Christian's arms.

"Please Sy," he tries one last time, even though he's beginning to understand that there is no use arguing with this new Syed.

Syed goes to open the door to let them out.

##########################

The following week, Syed starts his new job and moves into a studio flat; and Christian turns up with Kylie to have a look around. Syed lets them in because he wants to see Kylie; and he plays with her whilst Christian checks everything in the flat is okay, and makes a note of what needs doing to make it more liveable. When Syed says he doesn't want his help, he tells him he's doing it so that it will be a nice place for Kylie to come to. He explains that he is planning on stepping up his social life, and would like to leave Kylie with him from Friday evening until Sunday evening each week. Syed says merely "okay"; making no other comment, much to Christian's disappointment. "You don't care what I do, do you?" he asks unhappily; and Syed doesn't deny it.

For the next few weeks, Christian buries his pain, and attacks his social life with a vengeance. He goes out clubbing, gets drunk, and carelessly picks up and discards guys here and there. But very quickly, he realises that something is lacking; that it's not the same as it used to be. And one night, whilst in the middle of chatting up a guy, it comes to him that he doesn't want to be with that guy or any other guy; he wants to be with Syed and only Syed. He accepts that he can't go back; that he can't bear to go back to the existence he had before Syed. He's had the chance to relive that life he thought he was missing, and found that there was actually nothing to miss.

##########################

One day, Zainab approaches Syed as he's on his way to work. "Hi," she says hesitantly.

"Hi," Syed politely replies.

"How are you?"

"Fine."

"I heard about you and Christian breaking up," she says gently.

"Yea," he replies.

"Would you like to go for a coffee, for a chat?" she tentatively offers.

"I've broken up with Christian, but I'm still not the son you want," he states the fact, before walking away.

Staring after him, her face a mixture of worry and despair, Zainab has a sudden memory of what happened the last time Syed lost everything. On impulse, she rushes after him. "You won't do anything silly," she begs.

"Over the last couple of years, I've learned that the people I've loved, the people I've been loyal to, haven't loved me; haven't been loyal to me. None of you are worth doing 'anything silly' for," he replies without emotion.

Zainab has no answer to that.

##########################

One evening, Christian turns up without Kylie.

"I just want to talk to you," he insists, when Syed refuses to let him in. "We can't go on like this; how long are you going to keep on punishing me?" he demands, losing patients, and pushing past him into the flat.

Syed says nothing; he goes to get his book.

"No, Sy, no book this time," Christian growls, grabbing it from him and flinging it across the room.

"You shouldn't throw books around," Syed says automatically, "you should always have respect for books."

"Sorry," Christian replies; flustered by the fact that Syed has finally spoken a full sentence to him, and embarrassed that he didn't know the book rule. He goes to pick it up, and put it on the coffee table; and then gets himself a glass of water and sits down on the couch beside Syed.

"Tell me how you really are," he asks earnestly.

"I'm fine," Syed replies.

"No, you're not; you're depressed, and it's my fault."

Syed doesn't respond.

"If you give me another chance, I swear I'll never let you down again.

Rox mentioned that she might have given you the impression that that night wasn't the first time I'd cheated on you," he adds, when Syed remains silent, "but she was drunk; she was just trying to wind you up."

Syed doesn't say anything or react in any way.

"Okay, okay," he snaps, "there was one other time a few months earlier, whilst Roxy was still pregnant – we'd had that terrible argument because we found out Roxy had been drunk the night before, and you blamed me for letting her be the mother of our child. You said some horrible things about our baby being at her mercy and that you'd never forgive me if anything happened to her; some really hurtful things. You then walked out on me, and went to stay with Tanya for a couple of nights; I was really upset. But in all the time we've been together, they were the only two times I strayed, I swear."

Jumping up, he walks around the room in a state of agitation. "Why don't you say something?" he cries eventually.

Syed doesn't give any sign that Christian's words have made any impact.

"Don't you have anything to say?" he asks in exasperation. "Don't you care? Doesn't it count for anything that I'm being honest?"

"If you've finished partying, does that mean you won't be bringing Kylie around at the weekend anymore?" Syed finally asks calmly.

"Of course not, you'll have her every weekend, no matter what happens," Christian reassures him. "And, if you want to come around to the flat any evening, you can see her then too," he tries to tempt.

Syed doesn't respond. He reaches for the book.

"Don't you dare," Christian barks. Syed draws back his hand.

"Please won't you talk to me, even if it's to shout at me or tell me you hate me. Tell me what you're thinking," he pleads.

"I don't love you anymore; I don't want you coming around here anymore unless it's to bring Kylie to see me," Syed quietly drops his bombshell.

For a moment, Christian stares at him in stunned silence. "Well, you've made yourself very clear, I guess," he finally says shakily, "but I don't think you really mean it."

"Please leave," Syed says flatly.

"How can you calmly sit there and say you don't love me, without caring how much it will hurt me?" Christian demands, his voice rising in anger.

"I'd like you to leave now," Syed insists.

"Okay, I'll go; but Kylie and I come as a package, and since you don't want me, you don't get her either," he coldly informs him, his hurt feelings making him lash out. He turns and marches out of the flat, banging the door behind him.

Syed doesn't react; he just sits where he is without moving for a very long time.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

"Surprise," cries Christian, bursting through the door a couple of days later before Syed can open it fully. "It's a dog, a puppy," he adds happily, to explain the obvious. "I thought you could do with some company, living here all alone."

Syed stares in shock at the cutest dog he's ever seen.

"Here, take him," Christian encourages, placing the puppy in his arms. The dog is as excitable as Syed is lifeless; and when he starts eagerly licking his face, Syed is helpless to stop him.

"I'm not sure what breed he is; fell in love with him the moment I saw him; got him from the Pound; they said he'd been neutered and had had his shots; didn't think to ask anything else," he concludes breathlessly.

"I can't take him, I work all day," Syed manages to say, as he struggles to control the little bundle of boundless energy wriggling around in his arms, "I can't leave him in alone all day."

"No problem," Christian responds enthusiastically, "give me a copy of your key, and I'll come and pick him up on my way to work every morning, and keep him with me all day; and then you can come round to the flat in the evening to collect him."

"No, I couldn't do that," Syed says warily.

"Of course you could; and you could see Kylie at the same time."

"I don't want you having a copy of my key," he admits.

"Sy, I promise, I will always knock when I come over; I will never just barge in, and I will never come in unless you let me."

"But the other day …"

"From now on, I will never just barge in," Christian quickly amends his statement.

"Okay," Syed weakly gives in; unable to resist the gorgeous puppy.

"What are you going to call him?" Christian asks.

"Fozzie," he immediately replies, kissing his new friend on the nose.

"Like 'Fozzie Bear'?" he asks, laughing.

"Yea, he was my favourite Muppet," Syed admits sheepishly.

"I liked Miss Piggy."

"Of course, you did," Syed responds with a smile; but then realising what's happening, he tenses and starts to back away.

"It's okay to talk to me," Christian says gently. "You know, I haven't been able to stop thinking about what you said the other day about not loving me, and I think I now understand how things are for you. You once told me your heart stopped every time you saw me; but now, because I broke it when I betrayed you, your heart can't respond to me anymore."

Syed puts the Fozzie down on the floor, and brings him a bowl of water.

"Will you be able to look after Kylie this weekend, as usual?" Christian asks carefully.

"Yea," Syed murmurs, quickly turning away before he can see his tears.

"I'm sorry," Christian says miserably.

##########################

The following evening, Syed forces himself to press the entryphone buzzer by the door leading to Christian's flat; he plans to ask him to bring Fozzie down so that he doesn't have to go up.

"It's open, come up," Christian calls cheerfully, cutting him off before he can express his wish.

"Christian," he calls back, but there is no answer. He very reluctantly enters and climbs the stairs.

"Do me a favour, and pick Kylie up; there's a bottle on the side; she's due a feed," Christian says by way of greeting, before walking off into the kitchen.

"I can't stay," Syed tries to explain; but he either doesn't hear or chooses to ignore him.

As he walks into the place he used to call home, the memories come flooding back, almost overwhelming him. Unable to cope with the force of his feelings, he turns and quickly walks back out the door and down the stairs.

"Sy, where are you going?" Christian calls after him from the doorway.

"I really can't stay," he pleads, looking helplessly up at him.

Relieved to see him showing some real emotion for the first time, Christian isn't going to let him escape. "You didn't say hello to Kylie; she saw you at the door and heard your voice," he reminds him ruthlessly.

"Okay," Syed replies faintly, giving in. He takes a deep breath, and slowly walks back up to the flat; and this time he tries to focus on his daughter, who is lying in her cot looking so pretty in pink. He picks her up, and goes to sit on the couch. Holding her in his arms helps calm him a little.

"Right, dinner is served," Christian announces a short while later, with a dramatic wave of his hand to present the table set for two with two plates of steaming hot pasta.

"No, I told you, I can't stay," Syed desperately insists one more time.

"Did you know that refusing to eat a dinner when someone has gone to the trouble of preparing it and placing it in front of you, is even more disrespectful than throwing a book across a room," Christian informs him.

He finishes feeding Kylie, puts her back in her cot and reluctantly joins Christian at the table.

They eat in companionable (for Christian), uncomfortable (for Syed) silence for a little while.

"How are things?" Christian eventually asks.

"Fine," he replies.

"How is the job going?"

"Fine."

"You really like that word, don't you? Are you getting on well with the guys you work with; are they friendly?"

"Yea, they're nice," Syed mumbles.

"Tell me about them," and when Syed doesn't respond, "Are you happy there?"

"It's fine."

"Yea, I thought it might be," Christian says with a smile.

After they've finished, they wash up; and before Syed can get his "I've got to go" out, Christian puts some food in his bowl for Fozzie; who, if a dog can look surprised, seems to Syed to look at it with, if not surprise then at least a quizzical expression.

"She's changing so much from day to day, week to week," Christian says, sitting down beside him on the couch.

"Yea," Syed murmurs, watching Kylie lying in her cot, completely absorbed by her Winnie the Pooh lullaby soother.

"Are you doing okay?" he asks.

"Yea, fine," Syed automatically responds.

"You look exhausted; are you getting enough sleep?"

Syed doesn't say anything; he just continues to watch Kylie; and after a little while his body slowly starts to relax, and he settles himself more comfortably on the couch.

Christian goes to make some coffee; and he watches him fussily rinsing each cup with hot water from the kettle, before carefully measuring the amount of coffee he puts in each one and checking the date on the milk and smelling it to make sure it's definitely fresh before pouring exactly the right amount into each cup so that he can stir the coffee and milk almost into a paste before adding the water. Watching him completing this mundane task in his own special way reminds Syed of so many other little moments from the past; moments that wouldn't mean anything to anyone other than to Christian and himself. He feels an ache at having lost something so precious. He then looks to Fozzie, who has managed to sneak up onto one of the arm chairs and is curled up asleep. And as his eyes settle once more back on Kylie, he has a sudden, powerful need to give up the struggle and stay here with them forever. He dreads the thought of leaving the flat now, as much as he dreaded walking into it only a few hours ago. He closes his eyes just for a moment; giving in to the peaceful, happy thought of what it would be like to be back with his family.

Finding him asleep when he returns, Christian carefully puts him lying down and covers him with a quilt.

A couple of hours later, he stirs. "Hey," Christian says softly, reaching out to touch his cheek. Syed's immediately tenses and tries to move away from his hand.

"Please don't," Christian begs, his voice filled with hurt, "please don't pull away from me."

"Instinctively unable to bear to cause him any pain, Syed stops moving and his eyes lock with Christian's as he slowly lets his hand slip down over his cheek before removing it. "You'd be more comfortable if you took off your jacket," he suggests huskily; and after a moment's hesitation Syed removes it. He then removes the quilt and sits up so that he can feel more in control.

"Juice?"

"Thanks," Syed replies.

Christian brings him the drink, and they sit quietly, lost in thought.

"That's a nice shirt, I haven't seen it before; it looks expensive, have you been flashing the cash?" Christian eventually asks.

"It's new," Syed replies evasively.

"Where did you get it?" Christian asks, suspiciously. "It's not your usual style."

"A shop, a stall on the market," he lies badly.

"Why won't you tell me?"

Syed concentrates on Kylie.

"Have you met someone?" Christian demands. "Did some guy buy it for you?" he asks, his heart pounding so hard in his chest he only knows Syed replies because he sees his lips move.

"My boss gave it to me," Syed repeats the words.

"Why would he do that?" Christian asks, almost giddy with relief.

"He bought it for himself, but didn't like it when he looked at it again after getting home."

"But why give it to you?"

"I don't know."

"Yes you do, Sy."

"I really have to be going," Syed says, getting up. "Thanks for the dinner, and for looking after Fozzie."

"Has your boss given you anything else?"

Syed doesn't reply; he starts to walk towards the door.

"Sy, don't run away," Christian begs, moving to place himself between Syed and the front door. "Has this guy made a move on you?"

"I told him I wasn't interested," Syed says quietly.

"But he isn't giving up," Christian guesses. "Is he up front about it, or is he one of those _straights_ who sneak around?"

Syed doesn't answer.

"Babe, you need to be careful," Christian gently advises. He takes his face in hands and gives him a searching look, trying to read him, to see what he's hiding. "You're sleep-walking through life at the moment; but you need to be more aware of what's happening around you, or someone will take advantage of you. Please promise me you'll take more care."

Syed nods his head, but he's not really listening; suddenly, his only thought is to put some distance between them. "Let me go," he pleads, but his voice comes out all breathless; something Christian doesn't miss. Too late it hits Syed, the reason he was afraid to come back here.

"Sy, look at me," Christian huskily commands. He feels Syed's pulse racing under his hand; and when he obediently looks up to him, Christian sees in his eyes the need he cannot control. "It's okay," he whispers, before lowering his head and gently pressing his lips against Syed's in the softest of kisses. Unable to help himself, Syed moves closer; his arms going around Christian, his mouth opening to let him in.

Neither of them is aware of anything but the amazing feeling of being able to touch, to taste each other once more; and it is only when he feels the weight of Christian's body on top of him that reality returns for Syed in the form of a flashback to that terrible night outside R&R.

"No, please, I can't," he cries, pushing him away and getting up off the bed. He quickly pulls on his shirt and trousers; and, grabbing his shoes, rushes out the door without saying goodbye to Kylie or remembering to bring Fozzie with him.

After he recovers from the surprise, Christian hugs his pillow and his smile grows wider and wider as he re-lives what just happened.

"I think we've made a bit of a breakthrough tonight," he tells Kylie a little later as he changes her nappy. "I think it won't be long before daddy will be back where he belongs," he dares to build up their hopes. "I'm going to take much better care of us this time," he promises faithfully.

Lying in bed that night, he remembers Syed's dodgy boss and his games, and it bothers him. He wonders if he should have a word, let him know that Syed is not alone, that he has a boyfriend even though he thinks for the moment that he doesn't. He wonders whether he should get involved, or whether he would only be making life difficult for Syed. He then starts thinking about his response to his touch, and falls asleep full of hope for a bright future.

###

"Not good, not good; that really should not have happened," Syed mutters to himself over and over as he almost runs home from Christian's. "How could I have let that happen, after everything, after ...?" He is so preoccupied that he walks straight past the entrance to his flat, and has to double back. He climbs the stairs, enters the flat, sits down on the couch, gets up again; goes to take off his jacket and realises he's left it at Christian's; boils the kettle to make a cup of coffee, forgets to make it; sits back down again. And all the while, his mind is a whirl of activity: "I can't see him again; I can't let him near me; I can't go near him again. But I have to see him to see Kylie. Actually, no, I'm her father just as much as Christian. I have every right to see her even if there is no hope for me and Christian – couples who break up do it all the time. I'm going to demand to see her," his mood lifts. "Or maybe I'll just ask Christian to let me see her; don't want to get into an argument and make things even more difficult," he reconsiders, his confidence faltering. "I can be in Kylie's life without, without ... Tonight, that really shouldn't have happened. How could I ...?. We can both be in her life, as long as we organise ways of sharing her without having to spend time together; no more going to each other's flats; meet at the door, safer that way. Yes, that's what we'll do. I'll tell Christian I don't think we can be around each other anymore, but that I need to be part of Kylie's life. But why do I have to explain myself; I have as much right ... we'll work something out; yes, that's what will happen. And I'll tell Christian he has to keep Fozzie because I'm not at home enough to look after him; then we'll have less reason to speak to each other, safer that way. But why should I give up Fozzie; he's my dog. Yes, we can share custody of Fozzie as well; we can swap him back and forth at the same time as we swap Kylie; we can do that without spending any time together. Yes, I'll tell him that that's the way it has to be," he decides. "Or maybe we'll discuss how to make it work for the best," he backtracks. "But if he doesn't want to go along with it, he can make my life difficult," he frets; "whatever I say, he'll twist my words, work things to his advantage. But he let me see Kylie when I came back from Leeds, so maybe ...," he remembers optimistically. "I need to convince him that I really don't love him anymore," he decides; ignoring the little voice in his head reminding him that he'll need to convince himself first. "I need to convince him that there is no hope for us and that this is the only way. I shouldn't have to beg him to let me see my baby and my dog; I've done nothing wrong, none of this is my fault; it was him who ...; it was him who ... How could I have been so weak? All he did was show concern ... He must think I'm so pathetically easy, so ... Kylie and Fozzie, they're the most important ..." Over and over Syed reasons the situation through in his mind; and over and over he plays the conversation they would have; and each time he thinks of a question Christian would ask which he wouldn't be able to answer or a point Christian would make which he wouldn't be able to argue with. Eventually, he looks at his watch and sees that it's gone 2am, and that he needs to get some sleep before work. He goes to bed, and eventually falls into a troubled asleep.

"I'll write him a letter," he cries, waking suddenly at a little after 4am. "He can't argue with a letter." Getting out of bed, he grabs a pen and pad and starts the first draft of his letter to Christian to tell him that he doesn't love him anymore; but that although their relationship is over, he hopes he will still let him see Kylie and Fozzie; and putting his case for why he should be able to see them, and how it could work. By about 6am, he has the fourth and final draft written. He puts it in an envelope so that he can drop it through Christian's door on his way to work (in a little over 2 hours time).

###

The next evening, when Syed doesn't turn up to collect Fozzie after work, Christian brings him to the flat.

"Hey, forgot your dog," he says casually, as he walks past him.

"Christian," Syed cries in surprise. "You can't stay; I haven't really got time to speak to you now," he tries. "And I think that from now on ..."

"Just dropping him off," Christian adds breezily, letting Fozzie off his leash.

"Did you get my letter?" Syed asks nervously as he turns to leave.

"Yea."

"And …"

"You've got really nice hand writing."

"What?"

"I can't believe that in all the time I've known you, even when we worked together, that I never noticed," Christian expresses his amazement. He then kisses him on the cheek, and walks back out the door.

"My jacket?" Syed weakly calls after him.

"You can pick it up when you come to collect Fozzie tomorrow evening," he suggests.

##########################

Over the next few weeks, Christian puts himself at the centre of Syed's life. He insists on his either staying for dinner when Syed goes to pick up Fozzie, or he invites himself and Kylie over for dinner to Syed's. Syed isn't sure how this little routine got off the ground, or what he's going to be able to do to get himself out of it. He still says very little, but Christian doesn't seem to mind; he's happy to chat, watch TV or play with Kylie, or just potter about in whichever of their flats they happen to be in. And as time passes, Syed can't avoid the thought that Christian seems content just to be with him, Kylie and Fozzie; the restlessness he used to sense in him has gone.

But Syed tries his best not to let all this attention sway him. He reminds himself every day of what Christian did; and that whilst he's being on his best behaviour right now, as soon as he has him where he wants him, he'll get bored again and Syed will end up getting hurt again.

However, knowing this, and reminding himself of this only works up to a point. And, when Christian leans in to whisper something in his ear, or to give him a hug and a kiss on the cheek at the end of the evening before he leaves, Syed instantly forgets all the stuff Christian did wrong. And although Christian hasn't made any further attempts to kiss him, Syed is very aware of him; and is finding it harder and harder to cope with all these hugs and kisses, not to mention the hand holds and other casual touches; all for the slightest of reasons. He reminds himself that Christian is a very touchy-feely person, but his body is really struggling to repress its natural response. And of course, Christian doesn't hesitate to use Kylie and Fozzie to help him weave a cosy, happy little world around him, which leaves Syed unable to resist spending more and more time with the three of them.

Sometimes, Christian turns up on his own to repair something in the flat which Syed had never even noticed was broken, or to put up a shelf Syed doesn't need; or with some complicated reason why Syed needs to help him out with something, which he assures him will only take half an hour, but which ends up taking most of the day. The odd time, he drags him off to the cinema, something they never used to do; or he insists they have to go somewhere they've never been before; which can mean them ending up anywhere from an art gallery or a karaoke bar, to the Tower of London. And slowly but surely, Syed finds himself looking forward to what Christian is going to come up with next; he knows he's on dangerous ground, but can't help himself.

"I had a great time," Syed says shyly, one night after they return from a football match at the Emirates (where Arsenal beat ManU 5-0); where they had to act all blokish, and swear at the referee; and sing funny rhyming songs about the players without laughing or appearing in any way to find any of it even remotely ridiculous.

"Me too," replies Christian, and Syed braces himself for the goodnight hug; but this time it goes wrong (or right, depending on your point of view), and Syed finds himself suddenly pinned up against the door and his mouth locked with Christian's in a passionate kiss. He doesn't have time to think; his body has been primed for this for weeks, and his only thought is to cling to him; he's missed the feeling of being crushed against things by the weight of Christian's powerful body. And even though he can barely breathe, his arms around Christian's neck are trying to pull him even closer. The fact that they are on the street in a doorway and risk being seen by anyone doesn't even enter his head.

"See you tomorrow," Christian murmurs huskily, pulling back after a little while.

"What?" croaks Syed, reaching to pull him back to him.

"After a date, you kiss," Christian explains, gently removing his hands. "You've seen all the movies. We've been dating for the past few weeks. If you really want to take it further, you have to let me know."

"Wait, don't go," Syed begs.

"Sleep on it; we'll talk tomorrow," Christian advises, pressing his lips against Syed's one more time before walking away.

Leaning weakly against the door, Syed tries to figure out what just happened; but all he can focus on is how much his body aches from the loss of Christian. Somehow, he manages to resist the temptation to run after him; but he can't avoid admitting to himself that he is only delaying the inevitable.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4 **

_The following night _

"Hi, it's Mike," Syed's boss says, speaking into the front door entry phone. "Paul said you have the Partridge property file, and I need it; I've got a couple interested in viewing first thing tomorrow morning. Are you going to keep me out here all night?" he snaps, when Syed doesn't immediately respond.

"No, sorry," Syed replies, buzzing him up. He goes to get the file.

"You alone?" Paul asks, walking past him into the flat uninvited; and ignoring the file being offered to him.

"Yes," Syed answers automatically. The strong smell of alcohol he gets from his boss makes him feel uneasy. Apart from Christian, Kylie and Tamwar, he hasn't had any visitors; and he isn't at all happy about this intrusion. And Fozzie doesn't seem too impressed either; he starts to growl menacingly, and won't be pacified. Syed has to pick him up and put him in the bathroom. "Shush, shush," he murmurs soothingly, stroking his fur. "He'll be gone in a few minutes and I'll be back to get you," he assures before closing the door behind him.

When he turns back to where his boss had been standing, he finds him rather closer than he was before.

"I've can't make you out, you know," Mike says thoughtfully. "You've got this whole 'touch me not' thing going on. Don't you ever get lonely spending so much time by yourself? Your family has disowned you," he adds, surprising Syed with his knowledge, "and you've got no boyfriend to keep you warm at night," he continues, his voice thickening slightly. He takes another couple of steps in his direction. "Don't you ever just need someone?" he murmurs, his hand moving to cup Syed's cheek.

"I'm not alone, my friend will be coming over shortly," Syed quickly tells him, as he backs away from his outstretched hand. He suddenly remembers Christian's advice, and wishes he were here now.

"You're so beautiful, even when you lie," Mike says softly. He takes another step towards him, and this time he grabs a fist-full of Syed's hair to prevent him backing away.

"No, please ...," Syed manages to beg, before Mike's mouth roughly cuts him off, his tongue forcing its way into his mouth. Twisting his head to the side, Syed once more tries to convince him that he is not all alone in the world. "I do have a boyfriend, Christian, and he'll be here any minute," he cries.

"I've imagined this so many times," Mike grasps, forcing him up against the wall and dragging his face back around. Syed can taste his own blood, as his mouth is captured once more. His struggles are useless against his boss, who is much stronger. He wants to scream as he feels his hands moving over him; his mouth on his neck. He frantically digs his hands into his pockets until he locates his phone. Pulling it out, he manages to click on the speed dial for Christian's number before his shirt is pulled down over his arms sending the phone flying.

##########################

_In another part of town_

"Please, pretty please, won't you come out with me," Roxy pouts. "We haven't had a wild night out in ages."

"Can't, got a date," Christian happily informs her.

"Are you and Syed back together, then?" she asks sulkily.

"No, not yet, but Kylie and I are going around there in a little while. We're going to blag our way in with a sob story about having no heat in the flat because the boiler is busted; and having nowhere else to go because Jane has gone away with Jean-Marc for another long romantic weekend, without leaving me a spare key," he explains. "And since there's no way Kylie can sleep in a cold flat, we'll probably have to stay the night," he adds with sly grin.

"You can come to mine," Roxy eagerly pounces. You can stay as long as you like; I'll give you the name of my plumber ..."

"Rox, there's nothing wrong with the boiler, you dozy mare," Christian laughingly reminds her. "And anyway, even if there was, I'd hardly want to stay with you if I could convince Sy to take me in; you know how it is," he tells her bluntly. His expectation (and the giddy feelings mixed with butterflies which it excites) of what will happen later that night make him careless and insensitive.

"Oh, yea, of course," Roxy agrees faintly. "Well, maybe I'll see you tomorrow," she mumbles, and is out the door before he can reply.

"Seriously, what is going on in that girl's head?" Christian wonders to himself as he watches her abrupt exit. He then instantly forgets Roxy, as he goes to settle Kylie in her pram and prepare her bag. "Now, here's the plan, he whispers conspiratorially to her as he tucks her in. "You need to look adorable – no problem there, and we both need to look helpless and in need of rescuing."

When his phone rings, and he sees Syed's name on the screen, he is so amazed that he just stares at it for a moment. Then, mentally shaking himself, he presses the _answer _button. "Hey there, this is a pleasant surprise," he greets warmly. "Sy, are you there?" he asks, puzzled when he gets no response. "Sy," he repeats, a knot of worry starting to build in his stomach. "Sy," he cries, even as he rushes out the door with Kylie in his arms. "I'm coming, Sy," he shakily tries to reassure, almost tripping on his way down the stairs.

He hands Kylie to the first person he meets on the street.

"What are you doing?" Zainab cries in disbelief.

"No time ... come for her later," Christian grasps, before rushing off.

Zainab looks down at Kylie. "Hey, little one," she says softly.

##########################

The key already in his hand, Christian hurriedly lets himself into the hallway leading to Syed's flat. "Sy, Sy, are you okay?" he calls urgently, as he climbs the stairs two at a time. He gets no response, but can hear the usually-docile Fozzie barking like mad, which makes him panic even more. He quickly inserts and turns the key in the flat door with shaking hands, but hesitates for a second before pushing it open; doubting his instincts. "Maybe there is a reasonable explanation," he thinks, "maybe he had the phone in his pocket and accidentally ..." The sound of a scream coming from inside turns his blood cold and jolts him into action. He throws the door open and rushes into the room, to find himself faced with the sight of Syed lying face down on his bed, with a half-naked guy on top of him; his hand pressing down on the back of Syed's neck preventing him from moving.

"Get off him," he roars, launching himself at the bed and on top of the guy; dragging him off Syed and off the other side of the bed and onto the floor. Before the guy knows what's hit him, Christian's hit him very hard in the face a couple of times. He then jumps up and kicks him in the stomach and in other more vulnerable places a few more times, until he is moaning in pain. Christian then drags him out of the flat, and throws him down the stairs and out the door, which he locks before going back up.

At first, he cannot see Syed anywhere, but then finds him sitting on the floor on the far side of the bed, with his knees pulled up into his chest and his head lowered onto them.

"Babe," Christian says softly, kneeling down in front of him, "it's okay, he's gone." He reaches out to stroke his hair, to try to offer some sort of comfort.

"Sy, you're safe now," he tries again when Syed doesn't move, "you're safe now, I promise."

"Christian," Syed says hoarsely. "Christian," he repeats; slowly raising his face to him.

"Oh my poor baby," Christian says shakily, taking in the state of his sweet face: his eyes wide with fright; his beautiful mouth all red and swollen, his lower lip cut and bleeding; the marks on his neck, evidence of his struggle. Taking hold of his shoulders, he helps him up; it breaks his heart to see Syed crossing his hands in front of himself in an attempt to protect his modesty. Overcome with sadness and despair, Christian can only stare helplessly at him for a moment. He refuses to cry; he knows he doesn't deserve the release of tears. He feels more than ever that if he hadn't played fast and loose with their relationship …

Trying to pull himself together, he goes to the bathroom to let Fozzie out and get Syed's bathrobe off the back of the door. When he turns back towards him, Syed is on his knees hugging Fozzie, who is furiously wagging his tail.

"Put this on," he says gently, holding out the bathrobe to him. Syed slowly releases his faithful friend and, standing up, puts it on.

"Christian," he whispers, looking helplessly at him, his eyes filling with tears.

"I'm so sorry, love," he replies hoarsely; and, slipping his arms around him, he gently draws his trembling body into his embrace. Syed starts to cry, and his body is soon wracked with sobs. Christian can only hold him; there are no words.

And as he holds him, a memory comes to Christian of a time back when Syed and Amira were still together, when they were engaged; and Syed would sneak away to be with him. After they'd made love, as Christian held him in his arms, he would often be overcome with fear that this might be the last time they would be able to be this close; that something might happen to force an end to their fragile little world. Every moment back then seemed so precious. And for the first time in so long, Christian now feels how precious it is to hold Syed in his arms. It comes to him in this moment that he has taken their relationship for granted for a long time, and that all his excuses and justifications for what he did to ruin them add up to nothing. After fighting for so long, he finally got to have this amazing man in his life; it was the greatest achievement of his life. "I didn't appreciate it for very long," he thinks wretchedly. "I thought I was ready to settle down, but I was still just an immature fool."

"Sy," he says softly after a little while, "you'd feel better if you had a shower."

"Okay," Syed mumbles, reluctantly stepping back out of his arms. "Will you wait?" he asks, his eyes pleading.

"Of course I will," Christian replies huskily. He turns away before Syed can see the tears he can no longer hold back.

"Thank you," Syed whispers. He walks into the bathroom and switches on the shower.

"No, wait, you can't have a shower yet," Christian calls after him, suddenly realising. "We need to go to the police station to report what happened."

"No, Christian, no police," Syed cries, his voice filled with panic. "No-one can know about this," he pleads.

"Sy, you can't let him get away with it."

"No, please. I would die if I had to tell a stranger about what happened, how stupid I'd been."

"You weren't stupid," Christian protests, "you gave him no encouragement, you said 'no'."

"I shouldn't have let him in. He said he needed a file, but I should have brought it down to him. He'd made it clear he was interested in me, so I should have suspected something when he suddenly turned up."

"Sy, even if you'd snogged the face off him; when you said 'no' to sex, he had no right to force you; what he did was wrong."

"He was drunk."

"It doesn't matter," Christian says firmly.

"Please Christian, I don't want to go to the police," Syed pleads tearfully.

"I know love, but you can't let him get away with this," Christian gently tries to persuade him. "I'll be with you."

"I'll have that shower now," Syed nervously insists; closing the bathroom door before he can say anything else.

When he comes back out wrapped in a towel half an hour later, Christian is sitting on the couch deep in thought. And Fozzie, sensing the tension, is sitting subdued beside him with his head resting on Christian's knee.

"I feel much better now," Syed says with forced brightness.

"That's good," Christian replies automatically. He goes to use the bathroom.

"Who is looking after Kylie?" Syed asks a little while later, as they sit on the couch drinking coffee.

"Zainab," Christian replies vaguely. He looks down at their joined hands, at his thumb gently caressing Syed's soft skin. He feels a tightness in his chest, the pain almost unbearable.

"Mum?" Syed asks in surprise.

"She and Masood were the first people I met as I left the flat."

"You didn't tell them where you were going, what ...?"

"No, I just handed Kylie over and said I would get her later. I'd gone before Zainab could get her insults in order."

"I don't want ...," Syed begins.

"Sy," Christian interrupts, abruptly looking up and locking eyes with him, "just before I forced my way in, I heard you scream."

"Can we not talk about it, please," Syed cries agitatedly.

"We have to, sweetheart," he gently insists. "I found a towel in your laundry basket with blood on it."

"You've no right to go looking through my stuff," Syed replies angrily. He pulls his hand out of Christian's and gets up. Christian watches him moving around the room, not knowing what to do with himself; and feels his own tears threatening once more; he blinks them back, and gets up.

"You should probably go and pick Kylie up," Syed says nervously, as he comes up behind him and gently turns him towards him. He takes his hands in his own, and starts the difficult conversation.

"When you screamed, it was because he penetrated you, wasn't it?"

Syed looks to the floor, a blush rising in his cheeks.

"Sy, he wasn't wearing a condom, and he cut you."

"It was just the once; he only ... you stopped him before ...," Syed whispers tearfully.

"Once could be enough," Christian admits unhappily. He wishes more than anything in the world that he could take away his pain, instead of reluctantly having to add to it.

"Syed doesn't reply; his eyes remain fixed on the floor. He senses Christian moving away from him; and then hears him speaking on the phone, explaining that he won't be able to come for Kylie for another few hours. He then makes another quick call to ask a favour.

After ending the second conversation, Christian puts Fozzie's lead on, and brings Syed his jacket.

"I want to see Kylie," Syed says unhappily, as Christian takes his hand.

"As soon as you've been completely checked out, we'll go and collect her, and you can be with her as long as you want," Christian tries to console him.

###

Paul, the doctor they go to see, is an old friend of Christian's. They leave Syed sitting in his office alone for a few minutes whilst Christian explains about Syed's drunken boyfriend getting carried away and being a bit too rough, and not using a condom.

Syed looks down at his hands as he answers Paul's few necessary questions about what happened, and Paul does his best to put him as much at ease as possible before he carries out the physical examination. He is relieved to be able to tell him that there is no serious damage, just a couple slight tears which should self heal within a couple of weeks. He takes blood for what he calls a rapid HIV test; but admits that it is too soon to tell for sure, and that he will need to come back for a second conclusive test in four weeks. In the meantime, he puts him on a 1-month's course of PEP, which he explains is a combination of medications which in 80% of cases can prevent HIV infection from taking hold in the body; but warns that the side effects of taking the medication are pretty brutal, and include dizziness, nausea and vomiting.

When they come out of his office, Christian is waiting; and when Paul sees the way they are together, he feels his anger rising. He asks Syed if he can give them a minute, and brings Christian in for a chat.

"Thank you so much for taking time out to see Syed," Christian begins.

"You total shit," Paul snaps.

"What?" he asks in surprise.

"It was you; you're the boyfriend; you did this to him."

"No, no, of course not," Christian replies outraged.

"You can't deny you're together," Paul accuses.

"Okay, yes, we're together; well, we were, but I messed up," he stumbles over the words.

"You never could help yourself," Paul replies in disgust.

"No, it's different this time. I mean, I did cheat, but I love him, I love Syed; I've never felt like this before. We were together for over a year; but then things started getting complicated, and I couldn't take the pressure; I slipped back into some of my old ways. But recently we were starting to get back on track; he was starting to let me back into his life. If we'd been living together, this would never have happened ..."

"Tell me what really happened," Paul demands, but his tone is less harsh.

"It was his boss, he forced himself on him," Christian reluctantly tells him. "He doesn't want to go to the police; and I thought it better you didn't know the truth, as you would have to report it."

"No, Christian, I don't have to report it," Paul sighs. "The matter is confidential between doctor and patient unless the patient decides to go to the police."

"I'm sorry for lying to you," Christian says quietly. "He really doesn't want anyone to know. He doesn't have his family's support; and if they found out about this, they would feel even more justified in their contempt for his lifestyle."

"Okay," Paul sighs, "but I need to speak to him alone, to make sure. Sorry, but he has to be my main concern."

"Of course; I wouldn't have brought him to you if I didn't know how much you care about your patients."

Syed confirms Christian's story to Paul's satisfaction. And after giving him a card with his contact details and making him promise he will call him if he feels he needs to talk to someone impartial in strict confidence, Paul allows him to leave the clinic.

###

"How do you feel?" Christian asks hesitantly, after they've been driving for a short while.

"Fine," Syed replies quietly. He looks back at Fozzie sleeping peacefully in the back seat, and wishes he could put the night's drama behind him as easily.

"Did it help talking to Paul? Did he put your mind at rest a little?"

"Yea, he didn't seem to be judging me."

"Of course he didn't; why would he, you've done nothing wrong," Christian reminds him.

"He did a rapid HIV test, which was negative; but I'll need to do another one in a month's time. In the meantime he's gave me some tablets called PEP."

"Oh, yea, those," Christian replies; managing to stop himself shuddering as an unpleasant memory comes back of another time, a nightmare four weeks in his own life.

"I won't know for sure ...," Syed says anxiously.

"Try not to think about it for now," Christian advises, reaching across to give his hand a comforting squeeze.

"Paul seems like a nice guy," Syed says after a few minutes, "have you known him long?"

"He's solid; we've known each other since we were kids. I'd trust him with my life."

"You've never mentioned him."

"No, we lost touch a few years ago. He didn't approve of my wild ways; and I got tired of his lectures, so I started avoiding him. No one could tell me anything back then; I lost a good friend," he admits regretfully.

"You knew his mobile number; have you seen each other recently?"

"No, but he's the kind of supremely-organised guy who would never change his number, so I took a chance," Christian explains, throwing him a curious sideways glance.

"Is he gay?"

"No," he replies, understanding dawning. He lifts Syed's hand to his lips for a moment, a little smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

"Is it too late to pick up Kylie?" Syed asks.

"It's after eleven; what time do your parents usually go to bed?"

"They should still be up."

"You'd better go in," Christian suggests, as they pull up outside the house; they may not be speaking to you, but they wouldn't put me out if I was on fire."

Syed reluctantly gets out of the car, and goes up to the door of his old home.

I've come for Kylie," he says awkwardly when Zainab appears.

"I see you're back with him?" she hisses, looking over his shoulder at Christian waiting in the car.

"No, not really, I don't think so, I don't know ...," he stammers, but she turns away before he can come up with anything more specific. A moment later, Kylie is placed in his arms.

"Hey there, honey," he coos, leaning down to kiss her cheek. "Have you been a good girl?"

Kylie starts babbling excitedly as soon as she sees him, and reaches up to touch his face; Syed playfully pretends to bite her hand, making her squeal.

"Her bag," Zainab says huskily; and as he takes it from her, Syed notices the tears in her eyes.

"Thank you," he says softly.

"Your lip, what happened?" the words force their way past her lips.

"Um, nothing; it was nothing," Syed mumbles guiltily.

"Are you okay?" she asks briskly, her tone suggesting she is hardly bothered; only her anxious eyes giving her away.

"Yes, fine," Syed responds, giving her his brightest smile. "Thank you for ..."

She closes the door in his face.

"I think Jaddah's got a tummy ache," he whispers to Kylie, feeling the need to explain his mother's rudeness.

###

"Hey there sweetie," Christian affectionately greets his daughter when they get into the car. He reaches over to give her a kiss. "You've coming back with us," he casually adds to Syed.

Syed doesn't argue; he knows he wouldn't feel safe anywhere else tonight.

As soon as they arrive at the flat, Syed changes and feeds Kylie, and puts her to bed. Christian watches him going through the comforting routine, and wonders yet again how he could have so recklessly ruined what they had together. His heart feels very heavy all of a sudden; and it's all he can do to summon up the energy to go to the kitchen to make a couple of mugs of coffee.

After Kylie has fallen asleep, Syed joins him on the sofa.

"You should go straight to bed, if you're feeling tired," he suggests.

"Yea, I might do that," Syed quietly agrees.

There is so much Christian wants to say, and to ask, but he's afraid of upsetting Syed; and Syed is suddenly overcome with shyness; so they sit quietly drinking their coffee. After a little while, Syed gets up and goes to the bathroom to wash his teeth.

By the time he comes back out, Christian has the spare bed in Kylie's room made up for him, and has fed and watered Fozzie and put him to bed. As they pass on his way to the bathroom, he puts his hand on Syed's arm for a moment. "Sy, promise me you'll let me know if you need anything during the night; or even just to talk?" he pleads.

"I will," Syed assures. "Thank you for what you did; if you hadn't ..." he tries to say.

"Don't you dare try to thank me," Christian interrupts. "I may have forgotten how important you are to me for a little while, but I've never for one moment stopped caring about you. And when I rushed to try to help you tonight, I was doing it for myself as well as for you; because if anything happened to you, I don't know what I'd do; how I'd ever cope," he confesses shakily. "I really do love you so much," he adds, his voice choked with emotion.

Unable to speak, Syed just nods his head.

Christian presses his lips very gently against his cheek for a moment before allowing him to go to bed.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

He watches him sleep: lying on his stomach, a leg sticking out on one side of the bed, an arm on the other; his mouth set in a pouting expression; his hair somehow managing to be spread out in six different directions; the quilt almost off the bed. "Syed always was a busy sleeper," Christian fondly remembers. It used to drive him crazy to sometimes have to get up in the middle of the night to re-arrange the quilt and move him further over in the bed so that he would have enough room for himself. It's still early; and he doesn't want to disturb him, but knows he has to. Before walking him, he backs away; to stand at the door, so as not to frighten him.

"Wakey, wakey," he whispers softly. "Sy," he repeats a little more forcefully when he doesn't get a response.

"Hmm, what is it, what's up?" Syed mumbles, his voice thick with sleep.

"You need to take another tablet," Christian explains.

"Oh, right, okay," he responds; and, rolling onto his side, he pushes himself up into a sitting position and gets out of bed.

"I'll leave you to ..., I'll just ... um ..., coffee, breakfast, toast ...," Christian stammers, quickly turning away from the sight of him in just his under pants.

"I'm not really hungry," Syed replies, but he's talking to himself. He goes to the bathroom to wash his teeth and have a shower; and after putting on the clothes Christian left for him, he joins him, Kylie and Fozzie in the kitchen. "Hey, my little angel," he says softly, planting a kiss on his beautiful daughter's cheek. As he watches her sleeping, for a moment he forgets all the bad stuff. "Hey Foz," he adds gruffly to the dog, who is sitting nearby looking up at him, waiting. He goes to stroke his fur, and impulsively kneels down to give him a quick hug and a kiss on the nose.

"Here you go," Christian says; leaving an omelette, some toast and a mug of tea on the table for him.

"I don't think I can face ...," Syed starts to say.

"You need to eat; once the tablets start taking effect, you might not feel much like it.

Syed does as he's told.

"Did you sleep okay?"

"Yea, it's a really comfortable bed considering what we paid for it; you choose well," Syed replies. Did you sleep okay?"

"Yea, not bad," Christian matches his casual tone.

"When is your first client?"

"I haven't got any, decided to cancel. It's been ages since I took a day off."

"You don't have to re-arrange anything on my account," Syed insists.

"To be honest, I just don't feel like being all upbeat and motivational today. I just want to relax with my family. Do you fancy taking Kylie and Fozzie to the park after breakfast?"

"Actually, I was thinking that I should be heading back to mine," Syed forces himself to suggest.

"No, you can't be alone right now." His suggestion is immediately rejected.

"The longer I stay here, the harder ..."

"No," Christian barks; his face suddenly livid with anger. "You can do whatever the hell you like once you've finished your course of tablets and had the second HIV test, but you're not going anywhere before then."

"Christian," Syed tries to reason; but before he can get another word out, Christian jumps up from the table, and marches off to his bedroom, slamming the door behind him.

Miraculously, Kylie doesn't stir.

Syed slowly gets up and follows him.

"Can I come in?" he asks, against the door. When he gets no answer, he opens the door and enters. Christian is sitting on the bed, his face buried in his hands.

"I'm sorry," he sobs. "I shouldn't have shouted at you."

"It's okay, I know you didn't mean it," Syed gently assures. He sits down on the bed beside him, and puts his arm around his waist. "Everything's going to be okay."

"I'm so sorry," Christian cries, his tears falling faster; his body shaking with the force of his anguish.

"I know," Syed gently assures, kissing the side of his head. "I'll stay," he adds softly, resting his head on Christian's shoulder.

"Good," Christian manages to say, his voice choked with tears.

###

They spend the day together with Kylie and Fozzie; and although both are subdued, there's nowhere else they would rather be. Late in the afternoon, Syed starts to feel unwell, marking the beginning of four very long weeks.

##########################

"Okay, are we ready to go?" Christian asks with forced cheerfulness 30 days later.

"Yea," Syed lies.

Christian doesn't try to reassure him; he knows it would do no good. They leave Kylie and Fozzie with Jane, and head off to the Clinic.

###

"Christian, Syed, hi," Paul greets when they walk into his office. "It's good news," he quickly adds, when he sees how anxious they both are. "The result was negative; you haven't been infected."

"Negative? Really?" Christian asks incredulously. "Oh, my God ... that's the most wonderful ...," he starts to say, but then promptly bursts into tears.

"Are you okay?" Paul asks Syed, who hasn't reacted in any way to the news.

"Yes," he replies huskily, putting his arm around Christian and giving him one of the tissues he brought with him without knowing whether they would be used for happy or unhappy tears.

"How are you feeling about things in general?" he asks carefully.

"Fine," Syed replies brightly.

"So you're not ready to talk yet," Paul concludes.

"Thank you for everything you've done for me over the past few weeks; you couldn't have helped more," Syed side tracks.

"You have nothing to thank me for; I'm just glad we have a happy conclusion."

###

Syed insists on driving home, as Christian is too emotional. Every so often during the trip, the expressions, "I can't believe it ..." or "I'm so glad ..." or "This is the best day ever," burst from him; and his tears are never far away.

Syed on the other hand cannot hold onto a thought. Every time he tries to focus on what he's just found out, it slips away from him. When he tries to focus on the fact that he now no longer has an excuse to stay with Christian and Kylie, and will have to go back to that studio flat; or the fact that for the first time in his life, he's terrified of being alone; he just cannot focus on any of those things. He finds it easier to focus on taking care of Christian, or driving or any other mundane matter, rather than to try to grasp how lucky he is or how close he came to ...

###

Syed ends up staying another couple of days at the flat before Christian loses his battle to keep him. However, he insists on coming with him when he does return to his own flat, to make sure everything is okay. And when they arrive, they find a letter from Syed's work amongst his post; it informs him that due to recent poor sales figures and a drop in profits, they are making cutbacks; and that basically he no longer has a job.

"That f**king b**tard," Christian explodes, grabbing the letter from Syed and crushing it into a ball.

"Really, it's okay; I couldn't have gone back there anyway," Syed tries to keep the bright side out.

"We can't let him get away with this," Christian growls.

"Please, Christian, don't get upset about it," Syed begs.

"No, sorry, you're right," Christian says evenly, trying to calm down. "Why don't you put the heat on, it's cold in here; and I'll have a coffee, if you're offering."

As soon as Syed is occupied in the kitchen, Christian picks up the scrunched-up letter, and stuffs it into his pocket. He then goes to the couch and pulls up the cushions to retrieve the piece-of-sh*t's shirt and jacket which he'd hid there that night whilst Syed was in the shower, so that he wouldn't see them; he quickly opens the front door of the flat and throws them out into the hall, so that he can pick them up later as he's leaving.

After they've tidied up and put everything in order, they sit watching TV for a little while until Christian reluctantly has to leave to go pick up Kylie, as Jane and Jean-Marc are going out for the evening; one of their many anniversary celebrations, which Jean-Marc keeps surprising her with.

"Thanks for everything," Syed says tearfully as he opens the door to leave.

"Hey, what's this?" Christian gently chides, "I'm not moving to Australia; you'll see me tomorrow."

"I know," Syed says, but he can't stop crying.

"Come here," Christian says gruffly, pulling him in for a hug. "You could come back to the flat; you don't have to stay here."

"I'll be okay," Syed sobs, his tears falling faster.

"Of course you will, babe; everything's going to be okay."

After a little while, Syed manages to stop crying, and Christian reluctantly lets him go. "Come with me; we'll pick up Kylie and go back to the flat," he suggests.

"No, I'll be fine," Syed insists, "I have to do this."

"But you don't; you could move back to the flat; give up this place. Kylie would be made up to have her daddy back home. If you're worried about us, you don't have to be; there will be no strings, I promise."

But Syed shakes his head sadly. "I'm sorry I can't come back with you."

"But why?" Christian can't help asking. "I don't want to leave you here with just Fozzie for company."

"Since I won't be working, I can come over and look after Kylie tomorrow morning," he offers.

"This is ridiculous," Christian can't help showing his frustration.

"I'll see you in the morning," Syed says quietly.

"Okay, but be sure to have your phone near you, because I'll be phoning you later tonight to check in," Christian submits sulkily. He opens the door to leave, and then suddenly turns back. "I love you," he snaps accusingly. He then defiantly leans forward and kisses him on the mouth, before turning and walking out.

Syed brings his hand up to touch his lips; and, despite everything, he smiles. He thinks about what Christian said about loving him, and allows himself just for a little while to truly believe it. He lets himself think about how wonderful Christian has been these past few weeks: taking such good care of him, and doing everything he can to keep him distracted from his problems. And by holding on to thoughts of Christian, and not letting himself think about anything else, he keeps himself occupied until he goes to bed. But when he wakes up terrified at just after 4.30am the following morning, there is only one thought on his mind.

###

"Hey there, what time is it?" Christian asks sleepily, as he opens the door. "Have I slept in?" he mumbles, stumbling around the room looking for a clock.

"Good morning," Syed says cheerfully.

"Sy, its only 5am," he groans, stumbling back into the bedroom; and then immediately stumbling back out. "Is everything okay?" he asks, studying him carefully. "Did you manage to sleep?"

"Yea, everything's fine," Syed replies, and it's not a very big lie.

"Fozzie, I'm not going to stand here all day," Christian laughingly informs his furry friend; who has come straight over to him, and is now lying with his stomach resting on his foot; and is looking up at him expectantly. He then looks to Syed who is also looking at him expectantly, and realises that they need him more than he needs his sleep. "Okay, okay, who's for a very early breakfast?" he invites with a yawn, reaching for his bathrobe.

And this is the start of a new routine, where Syed and Fozzie turn up on Christian's door step at between 5 and 5.30am every morning, and Christian sits on one of the breakfast bar stools with his chin resting on his hands watching him fussing around in the kitchen making big elaborate breakfasts. Each morning, he notices that Syed is looking more and more exhausted. Syed takes care of Kylie each day whilst Christian shuffles off to see his clients, and Christian and Kylie walk him and Fozzie back to his flat later and later each evening.

After the fifth morning of being dragged out of bed at the crack of dawn, Christian can take no more.

"Morning," Syed says brightly when Christian opens the door.

"No, middle of the night," Christian mumbles, grabbing his arm and dragging him towards the bedroom. He pulls him down on the bed with him; and turns over onto his side away from him, whilst still keeping a tight grip on his hand; so that Syed is in the last place he ever expected to be again: in bed with his ex-boyfriend.

Once he realises that Christian has actually fallen back asleep, Syed's sense of panic retreats, and he lets himself relax. He gently removes his hand from Christian's now more relaxed grip and turns onto his back; his head resting on his old pillow, which smells comfortingly of Christian's aftershave. He looks around the room, and notices that nothing has changed. His clothes are still in the wardrobe, the book he was reading is still on the shelf, his prayer matt is where he always kept it; and the picture of him with Christian hugging him from behind with his chin resting on his shoulder, is still on the bedside table. Reaching out, he touches it; and remembers how happy they were when it was taken. He then notices Christian's wallet, and can't help picking it up; he is relieved to find his picture still in there, along with a picture of Kylie and Fozzie. For a moment, he feels his emotions overwhelming him, and then suddenly he feels so tired that he can barely keep his eyes open. He takes off his shoes and trousers and gets in under the quilt; snuggling down into its warmth, he feels safe; he drifts off to sleep.

Christian has a dream that they are back together; he's had similar dreams many times over the last few months, but this time it feels so real; and when he wakes up to find Syed's head resting on his chest and his arm around his waist, for a moment he thinks they really are back together. It feels so wonderful to have him back in their bed that he doesn't want to move, but then he realises that they are not alone. "Hey there Foz," he whispers, reaching out to ruffle the dog's ears. Fozzie is standing with his front paws up on the side of the bed, and is looking curiously at them. "Never seen this before, have you? Well, between you and me, some day very soon this is going to become the norm."

Looking at the clock, he realises that it's almost 10am; and that, although everything is unusually quiet, Kylie must be awake. He very carefully shifts Syed until he can get out from under him without waking him, and gets up to go and feed and change his little princess. He then makes breakfast, and phones his first couple of clients to apologise for standing them up.

"Hi," Syed says shyly, walking into the kitchen a little while later.

"Hi yourself," Christian grins at his bashfulness. "Coffee, toast?" he offers.

"Thanks," he replies, going to pour himself a cup.

"I've eaten; but there are eggs, bacon and sausages in the fridge, so help yourself," he tells him. "I've got to go meet a client," he adds, grabbing his bag. Without any fuss, and before Syed realises what he about to do, he gives him a quick kiss on the lips as he walks past him and out the door.

Syed checks on Kylie before settling down to a leisurely breakfast; he feels better than he's felt for a while.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

_That evening_

"I should be going," Syed says reluctantly. He stretches out on the couch before moving to get up.

Christian gets up with him, and puts on his jacket. They get Kylie and Fozzie ready and walk back to Syed's; where they find a letter from his old boss waiting for him. "He's sent me a cheque for £20,000," Syed says as he reads; "says there was a clerical error, and that it should have been enclosed with my redundancy letter. That seems a lot; I was only there a couple of months," he concludes unsurely.

"He's probably feeling guilty," Christian suggests, keeping his tone neutral.

"I don't want to be paid off," Syed responds angrily, preparing to tear up the cheque.

"Sy, don't," Christian cries, grabbing his hand to stop him. "I didn't mean about that," he gently assures. "He's probably feeling guilty about you losing your job."

"Maybe," Syed replies, uncertainly.

"For sure. Take that cheque straight to the bank, and get it paid into your account first thing tomorrow."

"I will," Syed agrees.

"Now, as it's already really late, Kylie and I are going to have to love you and leave you," Christian says reluctantly. He reaches forward to kiss him goodnight.

"Tea, coffee?" Syed asks, backing away and reaching for the kettle.

"Coffee, thanks," he replies; accepting that Syed is not ready to let them go yet. He watches him play out the game he plays each night, of trying to keep them as long as he can; pretending everything is all right.

After about half an hour, Christian starts making shapes to leave once more, and Syed can feel his nerves fraying. After such a lovely day, he can't bear to be alone with just his thoughts.

"Why don't you stay a little longer?" he asks, trying to keep the note of pleading out of his voice.

"I don't want to keep Kylie out too late," Christian gently resists.

"Okay," Syed submits, but he can't stop his tears from falling.

"Oh, babe," Christian says sadly, putting his arms around him and hugging him tightly.

"I can't do this anymore," he cries. "I hate it here. I don't want to live here, but I can't go back to you, and I can't go home to mum and dad; but I can't bear to be alone. I don't know what to do. I'm so useless; you and Kylie would be better off without me. I hate my life; I've made a mess of everything."

"Sy, don't talk like that," Christian replies, shocked. "Me and Kylie love you and need you; how can you not know that? We would be lost without you. And you haven't made a mess of everything; you've done nothing wrong, its other people who have hurt you, made your life difficult; people like your silly parents, whose immaturity and stubbornness have caused an unnecessary rift. In fact, you are the only person who is blameless in all of this."

"I don't know what to do," Syed repeats dejectedly.

After a little while, he gets his emotions under control, and Christian puts him sitting down with a glass of water whilst he goes around the flat checking everything is turned off.

"Okay, we're ready to go," he finally says, taking the glass out of Syed's hand and putting it in the sink.

"I can't go back to yours," Syed weakly tries to resist.

"I wasn't asking," Christian says gruffly, taking him by both arms and gently but firmly pulling him up off the chair. "We can come around at the weekend to collect your stuff; we'll hand the keys back to the landlord next week."

"I'll sleep in Kylie's room," he unhappily concedes.

"For now," Christian agrees with a teasing little smile.

"Um," mumbles Syed looking away.

##########################

During the next few weeks, Syed, Christian, Kylie and Fozzie settle into a life of domestic bliss. They all help out in their own way, so that no one has too much to do (although for Kylie and Fozzie, it's mostly about just being adorable). Christian persuades Syed to think about looking for another job, as he doesn't want him to feel like he has no life outside their little family unit.

Syed half-heartedly starts looking through the job ads, but his mind is not really on it. He can't help worrying about his fragile little family and their uncertain future. He knows it's only a matter of time before Christian realises he needs more than just a platonic relationship, but the thought of him with someone else is more than he can bear.

Meanwhile, Christian has a slightly more positive notion of what the future will bring. He knows Syed is afraid of taking the next step; and, without making a big deal of it, is letting him get used to the closeness they used to share. He makes a point of kissing him each morning as he's leaving for work, and before they part at the end of the night; and he casually puts his arm around him and draws him close beside him as they sit watching TV in the evenings. And, although slightly awkward at first, Syed gets used to the contact and feels comforted by it. He still won't talk about what happened, and denies that he is in any way unhappy, until one night ...

###

On his way to the kitchen at around 3am to get a glass of water, Christian finds him sitting on the couch in the sitting room.

"Can't you sleep?" he asks, coming to sit beside him. He is quite surprised when Syed looks up, to catch a look of pure anger on his face before he covers it up.

"Hang on," he orders, when Syed goes to get up. "Talk to me," he demands.

"Excuse me," Syed says through gritted teeth, trying to move past him.

"No, not until you tell me why you're so angry," Christian insists, pushing him back down on the couch.

"I'm not angry," he snaps, but Christian can feel the rage emanating from him in waves.

"Until you talk to me, you're going nowhere," he says flatly.

"Fine," he hisses, "you really want to know why I'm angry, I'll tell you."

"It's okay, you can tell me anything," Christian says encouragingly, when he hesitates. He takes his hands in his own, and gives them a gentle little squeeze.

"I've been thinking," he says evenly, "I've been thinking about mum, dad, you, my boss; and I've been wondering why you all thought you could treat me like dirt."

"Go on," Christian says quietly.

"Well, Mum and dad, they cared so little about me that they tried to force me to stay married to someone I could hardly bear to kiss, let alone have sex with; and when I couldn't do what they wanted, be the son they wanted, they dropped me as if I were of little or no importance. On a whim, you dragged me away from a world that had been my whole existence my whole life; and when the novelty wore off and you got bored of me, you went off with other guys; not caring how much you hurt me; not caring that I'd burnt my bridges and couldn't go back. And my boss thought so little of me that he was prepared to force me to have sex with him. And I was just wondering what it is about me that makes people respect me less than they would anyone else."

"And what did you come up with?"

"I think that people see me as being weak, vulnerable, easy to control; someone whose emotions they can manipulate."

"When you say 'they', are you thinking of anyone in particular?"

"You and mum," he immediately replies. "You both tried to control me: Mum tried to keep me forever the dutiful, straight son. And you, you knew how much I loved you; you knew I couldn't bear to be without you; so you used it against me by forcing me to accept a life where I came second to Roxy. And you completely ignored my feelings and rushed us into having a baby I wasn't ready for - I love her now, and I'm glad; but at the time, I had so many doubts, and you just brushed them aside.

"I know you, Sy," Christian gently reminds him, "so well that sometimes I can tell where you're thoughts are headed, even before you even realise it yourself. And I can tell when you're making a decision based on fear rather than on what your heart is telling you. Like when you decided to marry Amira, and when you tried to fight against the feelings you had for me. I watched you with Amy and Kamil, and I knew you were ready to have a baby; the baby you missed out on with Amira."

"Well, that's not the point," Syed snaps irritably; you should have ... And anyway, what about Roxy?

"Roxy hasn't been good for us," Christian admits. "Maybe I allowed her to get too involved in our relationship; in our lives. And I didn't mean to do it, but I know I sometimes put my loyalty to Roxy above my loyalty to you. Maybe it's time for me to re-think Roxy," he finally accepts. He can't help noticing the way Syed's face lights up at these words.

"You and mum," Syed continues, now on a bit of a roll, "you're so alike; I think that's the real reason you hate each other so much. You're both so strong-minded. You're always so sure that you're right, and the idea that I might have an opinion of my own is just not something either of you would even consider."

"You think your mum and I are alike?" Christian asks in amazement.

"Are you disagreeing with me?" Syed snaps, his eyes flashing.

"No," he quickly replies, holding back a smile, "it's just that it never would have occurred to me; but I suppose you could have a point. Maybe we're alike because we're both from minority groups, and we've had to be strong to survive. Or maybe we're alike because we both got kicked out of our families early in life, before we were ready. And maybe we've been insecure about the people we've loved ever since. Maybe we've tried to control them because, if we control them, we control the decisions they make; and in that way, maybe we can prevent them from making decisions that will hurt us, such as: 'I'm going to travel to Pakistan and not come home to see my mother for years'; or 'I'm not ready to have a baby, which would bind me to Christian forever'.

"But we didn't need a baby to bind us together; I would never have left you," Syed protests.

"Would you have come back from Leeds in February, if it hadn't been for Kylie?"

"I don't know," he admits.

"Sorry, I interrupted you just now, please continue," Christian says quietly.

"I don't know ..."

"You were talking about why you think people don't respect you."

"It's late ..."

"Sy, please don't stop," Christian begs, holding tightly onto his hands as he attempts to get up.

"I was just ... It was just about you and mum, and dad ...," he continues hesitantly, sitting back down. "But I know it's my own fault as well; because when I try to live my own life, make my own decisions, I mess up. And that's the other reason people don't respect me: they see a weakness of character ... I know ... it's ... I see it ... I have these ideas but ... in the end, everything I've ever try to do ... everything I touch just turns to dust. I almost bankrupted my parents' business when I was 20; my business in Leeds went bust, and I ended up with nothing after 4 years. I broke Amira's heart, and ruined her life. And I was careless enough to lose my family a second time for someone who, when it comes down to it, only really cares about what they want, who would betray me without a second's thought after a few shots."

"Sy, none of these things are connected. First of all, the only person who hasn't done something really stupid when they were 20 is a person who has done it when he or she was 16 or 17. You didn't deliberately jeopardise your parents' business; you took that money because you naively thought you were onto a good investment; which would make you lots of money for the business, and would allow you to impress your parents. When it comes to money, it's in your nature to sometimes be a little too optimistic, too enthusiastic; you don't allow for the possibility of failure; and in business, that's a very dangerous mindset to have. And to be fair, Masood shouldn't have given you so much control; you were too young and inexperienced. You basically tried to run before you could walk. And your business in Leeds was a victim of the Credit Crunch, like many others. The way you treated Amira was wrong, but you did it for all the right (if misguided) reasons; and although you got engaged to her partly to push me away (which was wrong), you genuinely believed you could make a life with her. Your family do love you, but they can't see past religious restrictions and personal hang-ups. And, as for your boss, well he's just an a**hole who doesn't have any respect for anyone – you were just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

"And what about you?" Syed asks unhappily.

With me, you simply fell in love with the wrong guy, and you paid the price; but you aren't the first person to do that, and you won't be the last."

"You're not going to defend yourself?" he asks bleakly.

"The night you saw me with that guy, out the back of the club, how did you feel?" Christian asks, turning the conversation slightly.

"What?" Syed asks, shocked.

"How did you feel when you saw me?"

"How do you think I felt?" he cries agitatedly. "It was like someone had reached inside me, gripped my heart and was squeezing it until I could hardly bear the pain. I couldn't breathe." He pauses, remembering, his face going pale. "I couldn't breathe," he repeats huskily. "And then ... and then nothing; I couldn't think anymore, I had to get away."

"If you could have spoken to me, what would have said?" Christian persists.

"I would have asked you why you'd fought so hard to get me, why you'd begged and pleaded with me on my wedding day not to get married; why you turned my world upside down, just to see if you could; because you obviously cared so little about me when it came down to it. I would have asked you how you could hurt me so much, even though you were supposed to love me," he sobs.

"And how do you feel about me now?"

"I hate you," he cries, his voice shaking with the force of his feelings. "I wish I'd never met you; I wish I could stop loving you."

"And …"

"And what?" he shouts. "What else do you want me to say?"

"And now ..." Christian leaves the sentence hanging.

"And now, AND NOW," he cries hoarsely, "you've, you've all, left me with nothing. I'm back here, but it's not going to last; you're going to get fed up with this arrangement; you're only letting me stay because you feel guilty; you feel responsible for me, but it won't last; you'll want to bring guys back here soon and I'll have to leave, and I'll lose you and Kylie, he concludes, tears now streaming down his face."

"What if I'm happy with the way things are? What if I love you, and am thankful just to have you back in my life?" he asks.

"No," Syed denies unhappily. "No," he repeats, shaking his head.

"Of course not; you're self-worth has sunk so low that you can't let any of that near you," he concludes sadly.

"Before all this, we were a proper couple, but I wasn't enough for you; you had to go looking for it somewhere else. So how can I be enough for you now, now that I can't be a proper boyfriend to you?" Syed pleads, desperate for some kind of reassurance, which he knows Christian won't be able to give.

"You think I'm going to stray again because you and I are not having sex?" Christian finally understands.

"Yes," he whispers.

"There is no point in my telling you that I won't, is there?"

He mournfully shakes his head.

"So, what are you going to do about it?"

Syed looks at him uncertainly.

"You keep talking about what you've lost, what people have taken away from you; but you haven't said what you're going to do to fight back."

"What can I do?" he asks miserably.

"Maybe you could fight for me; find a way to keep me happy, so that I don't need to look elsewhere." He dares to make a suggestion he knows would have started a blazing row a few months ago; but Syed has taken so many knocks since then that he has no fight left in him.

"I've nothing to give you anymore?" he admits sadly.

"You could start by sharing my bed again," Christian says calmly. "You could let me hold you in my arms; touch you, kiss you properly … see where it leads us."

"No, no, I can't," Syed cries agitatedly. "How could you suggest such a thing ... after ...?" he stammers.

"After what?"

"I can't," Syed whispers.

"Tell me about that night."

"Please Christian, don't do this," he begs.

"Tell me what he did to you," Christian gently persists.

"It was so horrible, I can't ..."

"Please tell me."

"He wouldn't listen; he wouldn't stop," Syed says faintly. "He was so strong; I couldn't get away from him. I've never felt so scared; so helpless."

"I'll never leave you on your own again."

"You will," he sadly accepts, "when this is no longer enough, you'll leave me."

"I love you."

"But not enough."

"That guy ..."

"I don't understand why he choose me. What is it about me? Why did he choose me?" Syed pleads; looking for a reason, trying to make sense of what happened.

"Because you're beautiful, kind, sweet, gentle; all the things he's not."

"What could I have done differently? That shirt; I shouldn't have taken it; I tried to tell him I didn't want it, but he insisted, and I was afraid I might insult him. He wouldn't listen ..."

"It wouldn't have mattered what you did, he'd probably already made up his mind about you by then."

"I was so frightened," he admits, his hands unconsciously tightening their grip on Christian's. "He really hurt me," he says softly, his tears slowly rolling down his cheeks.

"I know, love," Christian says huskily. He moves slightly so that he can put his arms around Syed, and draw him back against the cushions. He gently strokes his back, trying to offer comfort. They don't speak for a little while.

"If I can't be with you properly ...?" Syed eventually asks, unable to let it go. He sits up and looks into Christian's eyes, searching for an answer that will put his mind at ease; even whilst knowing there isn't one.

"You won't be able to resist this forever," Christian teasingly replies, sweeping his arm down over his extremely well-toned body.

"I'm serious. I can't stay here waiting; waking up each day and not knowing if this is going to be the day you meet someone else ..." he tries to make him understand.

"If you leave, you won't just lose me and Kylie, you're not taking Fozzie with you either," Christian lets him know; whilst privately being unable to quite believe how low he's prepared to go with his emotional blackmail.

"Fozzie would never leave me," Syed says with a sad smile.

"I'll never leave you," Christian tries one more time, even though he knows he's wasting his breath.

"You've probably already found someone ..." Syed can't help torturing himself.

"No, not yet," Christian feeds his insecurities.

"Don't, Christian, please don't," he begs.

"I want you."

"No, I can't; I can't feel anything anymore."

"You won't let yourself."

"You're being unfair," he weakly protests.

"Whatever it takes to get close to you again," Christian murmurs. He takes his face in his hands, wipes away his tears with his thumbs, and kisses him softly. He then gets up and walks back to his bedroom.

After he's left, Syed finds all his earlier anger has drained away. He chews anxiously on his bottom lip as he walks to his bedroom.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

Over the next few days, Christian behaves as if they'd never had their late-night conversation; he is his usual friendly self, and goes about each day as if he hasn't got a care in the world.

And having thought long and hard about what to do, Syed's plan of action is to bury his head in the sand; so he also tries to behave as if nothing had been said.

Then one afternoon, Christian casually mentions that he's meeting Roxy for a drink that evening, and that it will probably end up being a late night.

Syed immediately gets the significance of this; that it's the beginning of the end for them. Quickly mumbling about needing to look for something, he disappears into his bedroom. Once there, he tries to calm himself down; to stop himself running back out and begging Christian not to leave him. He is still lying on his bed a couple of hours later when Christian knocks.

"I'm leaving now, so you'll need to come and take care of Kylie."

"Yea, of course," Syed says brightly, but Christian can hear the hurt in his voice.

After he leaves, Syed watches for Kylie to wake up so that he can confide in her about his problems.

"What should I do, Kylie hon?" he asks, picking her up the second her eyes flicker.

"Ky-ee," she mumbles sleepily.

"Yes, a beautiful name for a beautiful girl," he says with an affectionate smile. "You hungry?" he asks. "Did dad feed you before he left?"

"Da-da," Kylie replies, but can't be any more helpful than that.

"I love dad very much," he tells her as he prepares her dinner; "and I love you and Fozzie; I couldn't bear to be without any of you," he confides, his voice wobbling slightly.

"Fo-we, Fo-we," she repeats excitedly; and, hearing his name, Fozzie gets up and comes to the kitchen wagging his tail. Syed feeds Kylie first and then gives him his dinner.

Too depressed to concentrate on TV or a book, Syed goes to bed early.

##########################

"Morning," Christian says cheerfully when Syed walks into the kitchen the next day.

"Morning," he replies flatly, going to give Kylie a kiss and get some juice from the fridge. "Did you and Roxy have a good time last night?" he forces himself to ask, with the pathetic hope that they didn't.

"Yea, we had a right laugh; ended up in a club where we got chatting to a couple of guys from North London who were totally mad."

"Right," replies Syed, wishing he hadn't asked.

"Okay, I've got to go," Christian announces breezily, getting up and walking over to give Kylie a kiss and Fozzie a head-rub; and walking past Syed without giving him anything.

"Oh Kylie, what am I going to do?" Syed asks unhappily, picking her up as soon as the door closes behind Christian, and giving her a comforting hug.

###

Christian has a busy day, and doesn't return until almost 11pm.

"Where have you been?" Syed demands agitatedly, jumping up as soon as he walks in.

"Jane had a big order in the Vic, and she asked me to help her."

"Why didn't you phone to let me know you would be late; or answer any of my calls or texts?" Syed snaps.

"Was there a problem?" Christian asks blandly.

"No," he mumbles, "your dinner is in the oven." With that, he goes to his room and doesn't come back out until the next morning.

He manages to hold out until the following night ...

###

"Christian," Syed calls softly, tapping on his bedroom door.

"Um, what?" Christian mumbles sleepily. "What's up?" he asks, reaching to turn on the bedside lamp.

"Can I come in?"

"Sure, of course," he replies, his heart pounding even before he's fully awake.

Syed opens the door and hesitantly enters.

"Everything okay?"

He nods, but doesn't say anything else. He just stands with his head bowed, his hands fiddling with the bottom of his t-shirt.

"Sy?"

"I can't be what you want me to be anymore," he begs for understanding.

"Okay," Christian says evenly.

"But I love you, and I don't want to lose you," he adds huskily, lifting his head so that their eyes meet.

Christian doesn't reply, and they stare at each other for an endless moment; Syed's eyes pleading, desperate; Christian's firm and unyielding. And then Christian folds back the quilt.

"Come here," he huskily commands.

Syed takes a step back, as if to leave, but then accepts that that's no longer an option. He nervously walks over to the bed, and gets in. He lies perfectly still, overtaken by shyness; his eyes closed, his cheeks flushed. Christian takes a moment to let his eyes run over his beautiful face and down over his perfect body, which he has missed so much these past few months. Feelings of joy and relief wash over him. "Now that I've got you back, I'm never going to let you go again," he whispers as he leans forward to kiss him.

At first, Syed holds back, but then lets him deepen the kiss, and draw him into his arms.

##########################

"Hey sleepy head," Tamwar greets, when Syed walks into the kitchen the next morning.

"Where's Christian?" he asks, panic immediately setting in. "Why are you here? Where's Kylie?"

"Hey, calm down," Tamwar replies, surprised. "Christian's gone to work. He said you hadn't been sleeping well recently, and that he wanted to let you have a lie in. He asked Jane to babysit, but she couldn't get off work, so he called me. And Kylie is asleep in her cot," he adds, gesturing to the cot just out of Syed's line of sight.

"Right, of course, sorry," Syed mumbles awkwardly.

"Are things okay between you two?"

"Yea, fine."

"Has he done something? Has he?" Tamwar demands, a harsh note entering his voice.

"No," Syed insists.

"Have you argued?"

"No."

"Syed, you can tell me anything," he gently reminds him.

"I'm fine, we're fine, honestly."

"Hi honey, I'm home," Christian sings cheerfully, opening the front door and walking in. "What's wrong?" he asks, seeing their two serious faces.

"Nothing," Syed says quickly.

"When he saw me here, his first thought was that you'd taken Kylie and done a runner," Tamwar informs him in an accusatory tone.

"It wasn't, I was just surprised to see him; I didn't expect him to be here," Syed tries to explain.

"Sy, why would you think ...?" Christian starts to ask.

"I'm going to have a shower," he replies, hastily cutting him off.

"Thanks for taking care of Kylie, Tam," Christian says, his eyes on Syed as he walks out of the room.

"No problem; if you don't need me anymore, I'll head off," he replies, heading for the door.

"Tam, wait," Christian calls after him, once he hears the sound of the shower. "What did Sy tell you?"

"Nothing," he replies, "he said everything was fine; but when he first saw me, he went straight into panic mode, which makes me think he is still very insecure about you."

"I know," Christian sighs, "it's going to take time to rebuild his confidence in our relationship; but you don't need to worry about him, about us; I'm not going anywhere."

"I assumed when he moved back here, that you'd sorted stuff out," Tamwar admits.

"No, it's not quite that simple. I can't tell you everything, but part of the reason Sy moved back in with me was because he was afraid to be on his own."

"Why?" asks Tamwar, shocked. "Christian, tell me why," he demands when Christian shakes his head.

"He got attacked by his boss, in his flat," Christian reluctantly tells him.

"What? Oh my God. Did he get badly hurt?"

"No, he managed to let me know he was in trouble, and I got there before the guy could do too much damage. He wasn't too badly hurt physically, but the whole ordeal really terrified him."

"It was almost three months ago, wasn't it? I remember because it was Afia's birthday. He came over to help me decorate the Argee Bhajee for her party. He was acting strangely, doing that forced happiness thing he does when he's trying to hide something. But he had a cut lip; he said he'd gotten it when Kylie accidentally hit him with her rattle. The way he described it, we were laughing about it; and then he started talking about something else, and I got sidetracked and forgot to press him to tell me what really happened."

"Please don't say anything to him about it; he made me promise not to tell anyone," Christian begs.

"But why would his boss just attack him?"

"I don't know, he refuses to talk about it," Christian replies evasively.

"So, that's why he's been a bit all over the place," Tamwar says sadly.

"To be honest, if I hadn't been a complete arse, none of it would have happened," Christian admits miserably. "He should have been here with me and Kylie that night. He's had such a rough few months."

"Yea, you've really let him down," Tamwar snaps, suddenly furious. "He gave up his family for you; and you repaid his loyalty by cheating on him, which turned his world upside down yet again."

"You've got a lot more to say for yourself than you used to," Christian nervously tries to lighten the mood; "it must be the love of a good woman."

"Yea, well Syed is a shadow of his old self: all jumpy, fearful, unhappy. I guess it must be the love of a weak man. You know, if I'd had any idea of how much pain you were going to cause him, I'd never have encouraged him to give your relationship a chance."

"You think I don't know how much I've hurt him?" Christian angrily demands; but his anger cuts no ice with Tamwar.

"So, if he's only here because he's afraid of being on his own, then you guys aren't really back together?" he asks hopefully.

"Yes, we are, or at least we're getting there," Christian replies defensively. "He still loves me, but is afraid to trust me; which is completely understandable."

"Maybe it would be better if he came to live with me and Afia," Tamwar tries to reason. "We're moving into our new house soon. Syed can ..."

No, NO, he's going nowhere," Christian shouts defiantly, but is unable to keep the panic out of his voice. "His place is with me; I'm his family. I love him."

"Maybe you don't love anyone as much as you love yourself," Tamwar suggests bitterly. "You wouldn't have cheated on Syed if you'd really loved him. He is a good person, who always tries to do the right thing; he doesn't deserve the pain you've caused him."

I won't hurt him ever again, I promise," Christian is forced to weakly offer.

"Yea, unless you do, of course?" he replies sarcastically.

"If you try to persuade him to leave me ... you won't take him from me; I won't let you ...," Christian angrily informs him, his voice rising once more as he loses any bit of control he ever had over this conversation.

"If I thought for a moment I had a chance of persuading him to give you up, I'd beg, plead with him to leave you," Tamwar admits honestly; "but we both know he would never be able to let you go. He only sees you, he can't live without you; I know that, I've known it for a long time. He went to Leeds when he found out you were cheating on him because he was hurting so badly; because he wasn't thinking straight. That's the only way he was able to leave you even for a few weeks."

"If he was my brother, I'd try to get him to leave me too," Christian admits with a small sad smile.

"I don't dislike you, and I think you're basically a decent person; but I hate what you've done to my brother," Tamwar admits. "Since you've been living together, you've too often allowed the selfish side of your nature to control your behaviour; which I think has ruined the loving relationship you and Syed once had. You're not the man I once thought you were, and I really don't think you can make him happy anymore," he bluntly lays it on the line.

"I understand where you're coming from," Christian quietly submits, "but I'm not going to let him go. And I know I can make him happy; we were happy after we got together; before I lost sight of what was truly important, and ended up ruining everything."

"Okay," Tamwar wearily accepts. "You know sometimes I wish he'd never met you," he adds bleakly, before turning and walking out the door.

Christian slowly closes the door behind him; and walks, on legs which are not quite steady, towards the bedroom, where Syed has just emerged from the shower.

"What's wrong?" he immediately asks, concerned.

"Why did you think I would take Kylie and run?" Christian asks his own question.

"I didn't, of course I didn't; this is your home; you wouldn't ..."

"Why, Sy?"

"It was just for a moment, a second; I don't know where the idea came from," he laughs nervously.

Christian remains silent and waits for him to continue.

"Last night ...," Syed finally murmurs, his eyes focusing on the steam gathering on the window.

"Tell me about last night?" Christian gently encourages.

"I was nervous ... I wasn't able to be as ... like in the past … you must have been disappointed …"

"You were perfect."

"No," Syed immediately rejects the idea.

"You were shy, you were hesitant, you weren't as confident as you had been before everything happened, but you were perfect."

"Okay," Syed meekly responds, but Christian can see by his unhappy face that he doesn't believe him.

He walks over and takes him in his arms. "I'm so sorry for what I've done to you," he says in a choked voice, burying his face in Syed's neck.

Syed can feel his tears against his skin. "I love you," he says softly.

"Do you really?" Christian begs for reassurance.

"So much."

"Please don't ever leave me," he begs tearfully.

"I won't," he promises.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

_A few days later_

"I couldn't hear exactly what she was saying, but she was wagging a finger vigorously at him," Syed laughs. "She had little Ozma balanced on her hip, holding onto her with one arm, and she was waving her other arm around threateningly. You do realise you've married mum, don't you?"

"Why didn't you tell me you'd been attacked?" Tamwar blurts out.

"What are you talking about?" he asks anxiously.

"Christian told me your boss attacked you; scared you pretty badly."

"He wasn't supposed to."

"That's not the point. He said you moved back with him because you were afraid to live alone. Why didn't you say anything to me?"

"You and Afia have enough on your plate, looking after a new baby and running the Argee Bhajee; you don't need to hear about my problems."

"I will always want to hear about your problems, Syed; I thought you knew that. You will always have me and Afia. In fact, we've talked about it, and she agrees with me that you should come and live with us."

"I can't."

"Why not? No matter what his faults, I don't think Christian would stop you seeing Kylie."

"It's not just about Kylie," Syed admits.

"Yea, I know," Tamwar replies with a sigh, "but please don't forget that the offer is always there. Now, tell me about this guy who attacked you. Did he hurt you very badly? Did you go to the hospital to get checked out, and to the police?"

"Please Tam; I don't want to talk about it," Syed pleads, "I don't want to think about it."

"Are you okay now?" he persists.

"Yes, I'm fine."

"I wish your life was more settled," Tamwar says anxiously.

"Everything's fine now," Syed firmly insists.

Tamwar doesn't believe him, but would rather not force him to talk about something which is obviously very upsetting for him. "So, when are you thinking of going back to work?" he asks after a little while.

"I've talked to Tanya, and she's going to let me have my massage room back; she's explained to the guy who's renting it at the moment that he can only have it for another month. She said the customers keep asking for me," he admits bashfully.

"I'm sure you're really good at ... that; and, you know, you're personality: you're so, um, nice," Tamwar very awkwardly tries to be supportive.

"Ah, thanks bro," Syed responds teasingly, and gives him a playful nudge.

"And don't forget, you would be very welcome to come and do a few shifts at the restaurant anytime you fancy it," Tamwar quickly moves the conversation along. "I'd love to work with you again."

"I'd really like that," Syed says with a grateful smile, "but what would mum say?"

"She doesn't get very involved these days; she trusts me to take care of everything."

"You mean, she trusts Afia," he corrects him, laughing.

"Tam, Syed, have you finished moving the bed yet? I need you down here," Afia calls up the stairs.

"Yes, we're just coming," Tamwar quickly calls back. "Okay, we'd better move the bed; where did she say she wanted it?"

"How did we get here - all grown up, and with all these problems and responsibilities?" Syed asks wistfully.

"We fell in love," Tamwar replies, and they share a smile.

##########################

_One night, a few weeks later_

"Who is it?" Syed asks warily.

"It's Roxy," comes the muffled voice from the other end of the entry phone.

"Christian isn't here," he immediately replies.

"I know; I want to talk to you."

"I'm busy."

"Let me in, now," Roxy demands, "this is important. I won't stop buzzing until you let me in."

Syed goes down to speak to her; but as soon as he opens the door, she pushes past him and stumbles up the stairs. The strong smell of alcohol mixed with the overpowering sent of her perfume, almost makes him gag.

Dragging his feet, he follows her; he isn't looking forward to this conversation.

"You took my Christian away from me," she launches into her attack as soon as they've entered the flat.

"What are you talking about?" Syed asks patiently.

"He won't come out with me anymore because of you."

"You went clubbing only recently," he wearily reminds her.

"No, we did not," she shouts, outraged, causing Fozzie to wake up and growl menacingly.

"Keep your voice down," Syed orders, going to calm the dog and check Kylie hasn't been disturbed.

"No, we did not," she repeats, in a loud whisper.

"It must have been some night, if you don't remember it," he replies bitterly.

"The only night in absolutely ages that Christian spent with me was when he came over to mine a few weeks ago and we ordered pizza. We didn't go clubbing, but we had a right laugh," she remembers with a giggle. "I had chicken and chilli, but the chillies were really hot and burned my tongue."

"Really?" asks Syed, his voice dripping with exaggerated interest.

"Anyway, Christian probably had more fun with me that night than he's had with you in like forever," she bites back. "We never stopped laughing," she emphasises. "I was laughing so much, I had tears running down my cheeks," she murders the point. "At one point, I was moaning about the fact that I hadn't so much as snogged a guy in months, and Christian made up this really funny story where we went to a club and met a couple of really hot guys from North London, Sean and Syed. He did voices and everything," she adds, waiting for him to appreciate how clever Christian was.

"Really," Syed replies, now genuinely interested.

"Yea; Christian is sooooooooooooooooooo funny, and he's my friend," she accuses; "and now he can't go out with me because he's afraid to get drunk in case he's tempted to cheat."

"And you're friendship depends on him being able to get drunk with you, does it?" Syed asks sarcastically.

"We've been friends for years; since way before he met you," she sneers, "and we'll be friends long after he's come to his senses and binned you."

"I know you've been friends for years, you've reminded me more than once," Syed snaps; "but if you try to persuade him to break up with me ..." he warns anxiously.

"See, there it is; how can I fight against that?" she spits the words at him, whilst jabbing her finger angrily in his chest.

"Against what?" he asks, swatting her hand away.

"The big eyes, the wounded look; how can I fight against that? Poor sweet, vulnerable Syed; so sensitive, so perfect. I can't believe I'm competing with a guy who's prettier than I am," she expresses her disgust at the very possibility, whilst reaching out to do some more jabbing; but Syed dodges out of her way.

"Would you like a cup of coffee?" he asks through gritted teeth.

"I can't believe that when I'm in a room with you, I feel like the butch one; I feel like I should hold the door open for you, for God's sake. Oh so nice Syed; sweet, gentle Syed; nice, sensitive, polite ..."

"Yea, I get it, I get it," Syed hisses, as he goes to boil the kettle.

"You know, Christian and I almost had sex when we were trying to get pregnant; that's how close we are," she floors him by triumphantly revealing.

"What?" he shouts, turning around so quickly that he almost knocks over the jar of coffee.

"Look what _you've_ done," she laughs delightedly as Kylie starts to cry.

"Its okay honey," Syed says going over to her. He strokes her cheek to reassure her, and gently rocks her cot to lull her back to sleep.

"Here," he growls a few minutes later, shoving the cup of coffee at Roxy.

"Is she okay?" she belatedly tries to show concern, but Syed just glares at her. "It was a joke," she adds weakly, trying to undo the damage.

"No, it wasn't," Syed barks. "So now I have to worry about women as well as men. I knew there was something between you, all along, I ..."

"Noooooooooooooo," she wails, and Kylie stirs. "Nooooooooooooooo," she whispers, looking nervously over at her. "Listen to me, Sy-ed," she says, speaking slowly and pronouncing each word clearly. She takes both his arms, and shakes him a little too roughly to make sure she's got his attention.

"Get off me," he orders furiously.

"I offered, but he turned me down," she insists, "I swear on my Amy's life."

"I think it's time you left," he warns.

"No, I'm not going until you stop frowning," she insists, testing his patients to the limit by reaching up with both hands to try to force his mouth into a smile.

"Get out," he growls, pulling his head back and out of reach of her hands.

"I love him, I love Christian; I gave him a baby; there's nothing I wouldn't do for him," she cries, suddenly bursting into tears.

Syed stares at her for a moment, horrified, and then tentatively tries to comfort her. "Don't cry, please don't cry," he pleads, very carefully reaching out to touch her arm; not quite sure what she'll do. "What is taking Christian so long?" he wonders.

"But I do, I love him so much," Roxy argues, as if he'd disagreed with her; and suddenly she has her arms around Syed and is clinging to him; her tears and make-up ruining his t-shirt, the hot coffee from her coffee cup burning through the legs of his trousers and slowly spreading over the floor.

"I know you've been a spoilt brat all your life, but even you can't get a gay man to turn straight for you," Syed says in exasperation. "Would you have propositioned him if he hadn't been with me?"

"What?" she sobs, blowing her nose in what he hopes is a tissue.

"If he hadn't been with me, would you have tried to get him to have sex with you?" he repeats his question. "These feelings you now say you have, did you have them before he started going out with me?"

"Well, I don't remember; when I first met him, I thought he was well fit, but of course he is well fit."

"I know," Syed snaps.

"But we were always mates," she continues, as if he hadn't spoken. "He's well fit, but, I don't remember being too … he was never really serious about anyone before," she mumbles uncertainly; whilst still clinging to Syed, despite his best efforts to pry her loose.

"Maybe you don't love him, maybe you're just not used to sharing him," he suggests.

"D'you think?" she asks, pulling back and looking up at him wide eyed, her make-up smeared all over her face.

"Yea, I think," he says patiently.

"But you've taken him away from me; he won't come out with me anymore," she says mournfully.

"He'll probably be out with you again soon; he'll get bored of all this domesticity," Syed finds himself putting into words his own fears in an effort to comfort someone who is a threat to his own happiness.

"Grub's up?" Christian calls, as he opens the door and walks in. The sight that meets him of Roxy in Syed's arms (or more precisely, Syed in Roxy's arms), is the last one he expects to find. "Should I be worried?" he jokes, as they both turn guilty faces towards him. "Rox, I've seen you look better," he confesses with a laugh. "Is everything okay?"

"Yea," Syed says. "Roxy came to see you."

"I love you, but you won't come out with me; you won't go clubbing with me, and you love Syed and you don't care about me anymore," Roxy blurts out her tale of woe.

"She is a little emotional and a little drunk," Syed explains.

"Right, Rox babe, how about I walk you home?" Christian suggests, gently removing her from Syed's arms.

"I'm sorry about the sex thing," Roxy insists on dragging the awkwardness out for a little longer. "And, even though you're still skinny and boring, and you have too much hair, I don't dislike you so much anymore," she adds her dubious compliment. She then grabs Syed and hugs him a little too tightly once more, and gives him a messy kiss on the cheek.

"What 'sex thing'?" Christian asks. "Did she ...?"

"No, she told me she tried to get you to have sex with her when we were trying for a baby."

"I didn't ... I swear to you ..."

"I know, she admitted that it was all her."

"Oh, okay," Christian replies, relieved. "I'll be back in a few minutes; put my food in the oven."

"I think we really bonded; we had like a moment just now; we really shared stuff, me and Syed, me and Sy," Syed hears Roxy tell Christian on their way down the stairs.

After they've left, Syed has plenty to think about. "I should have let you chase her," he tells Fozzie confidentially.

###

When Christian returns, they sit down to eat.

"You've stopped drinking?" Syed asks.

"No," Christian denies.

"You're afraid to go out drinking with Roxy in case you're tempted by other guys."

"No, of course not."

"Christian."

"Sy, I'm very happy with my life the way it is; if I feel like a night out, you and I will go out."

"What about Roxy; all the fun you guys have when you go out?" Syed forces himself to ask.

"Going out with Roxy isn't the jaw-droppingly, incredible experience you might think it is," Christian dismisses. "Mostly we regress into naughty teenagers: we drink too much, we get all loud and annoying; we get reckless, egging each other on to do stupid things. But, it's all exaggerated; we're not really having as much fun as you might think; there's an edge of desperation to it. And the supposedly _amazing _clubs we go to; if you look around you in most of them, you'll find no-one's over 30; which really isn't much fun if you're over 40."

"You can't just end such an important relationship …"

"I'll still see her when I do shifts, and we can go for lunch sometimes – if what we have is truly genuine, that should be enough," he responds. "Sy, I meant it when I said things with Roxy had to change," he gently insists.

Syed lets it drop.

"Hey, stop worrying," Christian chides, leaning over to give him a kiss.

"I'm not," he denies, smiling.

"Liar," Christian murmurs.

They finish eating in silence; and Syed clears away the plates, and refills Fozzie's water bowl; whilst Christian gets Kylie ready for bed.

"Right, I'm bushed; you coming?"

"Yea," Syed says, taking the hand offered to him.

As Christian closes the bedroom door behind them, Syed turns to him. "Christian, tell me why you did it?"

"Why I did what?"

"Why you cheated on me."

"No, I have a better idea, and it doesn't involve talking," Christian replies, pulling him into his arms and kissing him passionately.

"Christian," Syed says some time later, as they lie curled up in bed.

"Um," he murmurs contentedly.

"Tell me what happened."

"Go to sleep," Christian whispers, kissing the side of his head and hugging him tight back against him, his hand moving up from his stomach to caress the side of his face.

"No," he insists, shuffling around in his arms until he is facing him.

"Sy, how can you have any energy left to have a conversation?" Christian sighs, stroking his hair back off his face. He kisses him to distract him, which works for a little while, but then Syed forces himself to pull back.

"Tell me why you cheated on me," he orders.

"Whatever I tell you will sound like an excuse," Christian responds uneasily. "We've put all that behind us; there's no point in going over it again."

"Please, Christian," he insists, "I need to know. If you're afraid to go out with Roxy, then you must still feel tempted. I need you to give me some idea of what I'm up against," he pleads, his voice rising emotionally.

"Okay, okay, shush, shush," Christian says soothingly, pulling him tight against him.

"I know I haven't really talked a lot about my past," he reluctantly begins after a little while, "but do you remember me telling you about how I left home when I was in my teens, and didn't see my mother again for almost 20 years?"

"Yea," Syed responds, pulling back a little so that he can see his face.

"Well, I spent most of those 20 years alone; I didn't let myself care about anyone, and I didn't let anyone care about me. I developed a 'couldn't give a s**t' attitude; no-one could hurt me; no-one could get the better of me – not the guys I hooked up with, not the homophobic a**holes who tried to have a pop. If I fancied a guy, I shagged him; if he wasn't really my type, but was loaded and I was skint, I shagged him.

I try not to think too much about that time; but when I do, I can't help wishing that I could have found an easier way. I wasted so much time pretending to be happy.

I didn't change overnight into the slightly more easy-going person I hope I am today. Ironically, in the end, it was my misfortune which saved me. I was down on my luck; I'd just lost my meal-ticket, and I had no choice but to beg Jane to take me in. But moving into the Square and becoming part of her and Ian's family did wonders for me. I started to re-discover my old self again; to care about people again; to be more open and less afraid of getting hurt. I began to get involved in the lives of the people in the Square, instead of just being on the outside looking in. And that was all before I met you; before you came into my life and changed it forever. You had my heart before I even realised you were a threat; and when I finally got to have you with me, I was happier than I ever thought I could be.

But the past wasn't going to go away that easily; and after a few months of being loved up, I started to get restless. At first it was just a bit of flirting after a few drinks, which I could convince myself was harmless. But that New Year's Eve, when I kissed that guy in the kilt; although I stopped it from going any further, I knew I was on dangerous ground; that I might not be able to resist the next guy.

Sy, don't," he orders, his grip tightening as Syed tries to move out of his embrace.

"I don't want to hear anymore," he responds huskily. "I need to be by myself for a little while; I want to sleep in Kylie's room; please let me go," he pleads.

"No, this changes nothing," Christian warns, holding tightly onto him. "You're not sleeping anywhere but here with me; we're together, and we're staying together."

"I thought we would be able to move on, but we never will," Syed sobs. "Some day in the future you'll see some guy walking down the street, or maybe one of your clients ..."

"No," Christian firmly denies.

"But you just said ..."

"It's different now."

"How can it possibly be different?"

"Because when I did eventually have sex with another guy ... Sy, please don't," he begs, as Syed tries to pull away from him once more.

"I can't listen to this," he cries, but Christian won't let him go.

"I need you to understand why I did it," he pleads. "It wasn't because I'd stopped loving you, or even about the sex."

"What was it about?" Syed asks miserably.

"To be honest, I'd never been in such an intense relationship, or in fact in any proper relationship, before; and I started to miss the freedom of my old life. The freedom to just disappear for a few days; a weekend ...

I thought once we got pregnant that I'd be okay, but I still couldn't shake it. And after we argued that night about Roxy, I was so upset ... I went out and got really drunk. I don't even remember exactly what happened, but I wasn't alone when I woke up the next morning. I was totally gutted. I didn't know how I was going to face you; I felt sick with guilt."

"So why do it again?" Syed asks dejectedly.

"Using sex as a comfort blanket was something I'd done many times before I met you; and a few times after we got to know each other, during the Amira era, if you remember. But after that night, I swore to myself that I'd never again do anything to put our relationship at risk.

Unfortunately it wasn't going to be that easy; and after Kylie was born, instead of being blissfully happy, I was feeling more trapped than ever. We weren't getting along; and I knew you didn't understand why I was so on edge all the time. When you tried to talk to me about it, I had to push you away because there was no way I could explain to you exactly what my problem was. I did realise that I was leaving you to take care of Kylie pretty much all on your own, but there was nothing I could do about it because I'd gotten to the point where I couldn't bear to be shut up in the flat for any length of time. I wanted more than ever to run away.

And then _you _ran away, and everything changed. I didn't have time to think about being trapped anymore; I was too busy being terrified that you were never going to come back; that I'd never see you again. I hated not knowing where you were; if you were okay. If it hadn't been for Kylie, I don't know how I would have held it together. The flat no longer felt like a prison; it was the only place I could find any bit of comfort, because your things were there. I clung to the idea that no matter what you decided to do, you'd have to return for your passport, or at least get in touch about it, eventually. I'd found a Leeds address amongst your stuff, and had arranged for Jane to take care of Kylie for a few days so that I could go searching for you.

But then you came back; and you have no idea how happy and relieved I was to know where you were once more. You didn't want me anywhere near you, but just being able to go and see you whenever I needed to was enough at first.

I understood why you rejected me; and even though it hurt so much, a part of me accepted that things weren't really fixed between us; and you forgiving me at that time would have done us no favours in the long run. I knew I didn't deserve to hold you in my arms, or have that closeness with you that we'd once shared; even though I wanted it so badly. The problem was that despite everything that had happened, I still wasn't ready to let go of the past. I had this thing I had to do; and it was better for you to be out of the way, lost in your own little world, and unaware.

So one weekend, I buried all thoughts of you and Kylie deep down inside me, got dressed up and headed off, back to my old haunts.

But of course, it wasn't the same. I ran into a few people I recognised, who were still 'living the dream'; and I had no trouble finding guys who were interested in what I had to offer; but none of it felt right. And one night out of the blue it hit me that I couldn't be that person anymore; I could no longer just switch off emotionally, and mindlessly f**k random guys. This way of living which had felt so normal to me for most of my life, now felt so wrong; it was an empty existence, a million miles from the warm, loving relationship I'd had with you. I finally accepted that that part of my life was over for good; not because I was getting old and past it, but because I'd fallen in love. For the first time in ages, I felt completely happy and at peace with myself. I knew there would be no more guilt, no more secretly yearning for something that was long gone."

"Are you saying that I was cramping your style; that it was my fault you cheated?" Syed icily cuts through his warm fuzzy feelings.

"No Sy, it was nothing you did; you were totally blameless; I know it was my fault."

"And in all the time you were struggling with _this_, it never once crossed your mind that you should end us instead of going behind my back; that maybe you owed me that much," Syed suggests angrily.

"I could never leave you," Christian gently insists. "When I was desperate to escape, or even when I did finally give in to it; I knew it was always going to be temporary; it never for a second crossed my mind that it would be the end of us."

"You didn't care how much you were hurting me."

"I agonised over it; I was wracked with guilt; but it made no difference, the pull was too strong."

"If you really loved me, like you say you do ..."

"It's because I love you that it didn't work out; because I can't separate sex from love anymore.

Sy, what are you thinking?" Christian asks, when he looks away and doesn't say anything for a moment.

"The evening before Amira found out about us, you painted a beautiful picture for me of how our life together could be; and it really hasn't come close, has it?" Syed responds, his voice now cold.

"When we first got together, it was like that beautiful picture. And we're so happy now; everything is so perfect now, don't forget that."

"We're too different."

"Sy, don't do this; don't look for reasons," Christian says uneasily.

"Too much has happened."

"No, Sy; please listen to me."

But Syed shakes his head.

"Sy, we wouldn't even be having this conversation if it wasn't for Roxy," Christian desperately tries to pull him back from where he's headed.

"Yea, nothing new there," he replies bitterly.

"It took me a long time, but I now get it: you and Roxy are never going to be friends, And it's partly my fault; you tried to tell me so many times that you felt threatened by my relationship with her; but I ignored you instead of reassuring you, by putting you first, that you had nothing to worry about. I didn't want there to be sides, I didn't want to have to choose between you, but I have done; I'm on your side now."

"Maybe it's too late."

"Sy, I know I've hurt you by what I've told you tonight, and I'm sorry," he says gently, stroking his cheek; but Syed pulls away; and they look at each other without speaking, the atmosphere suddenly dangerously tense.

"I know I don't deserve it, but I need you to give me another chance," Christian eventually asks, keeping his voice steady.

"I want to be on my own now," Syed responds, his tone rejecting; and this time, Christian lets him move out of his arms.

"I'll sleep in with Kylie for the rest of the night," he says quietly.

"And tomorrow?" Christian asks anxiously.

"I don't know," is Syed's honest response.

###

All alone in the cold bed in Kylie's room, Syed thinks about all Christian has told him. The idea that Christian was lusting after other guys whilst he thought they only needed each other, breaks his heart. He knows he has to end things now; that there can be no hope for them. "Christian did say he had changed, but don't guys always say that?" he remembers Tanya and every other woman who'd ever cried on his shoulder being very clear on that point. He accepts that he has to move out of the flat, for good this time. He pulls the quilt tighter around him, but is unable to warm himself. Through tear-filled eyes, he looks across at Kylie in her cot; and wonders why life always seems to give him what he wants, only to snatch it back again. "Maybe that parrot was right, maybe I'm destined to be a lone traveller in this world," he thinks miserably. And then he thinks about all that has happened these past few months, and about the all the nights he's cried himself to sleep for one reason or another. He thinks about when he was attacked, and how terrified he'd been; and about how much worse it would have been if Christian hadn't saved him and cared for him, and supported him through it all. He thinks about all those years Christian spent all alone in the world with no one to save him or to care for him, before he came to the Square; and about how tough it must have been for him, dealing with stuff Syed can only guess at; some of it, stuff Syed was only brave enough to even think about facing once he had Christian by his side. He remembers the time Christian got beaten up by the homophobic guy after his and Amira's engagement party, and him admitting afterwards that it wasn't the first time it had happened. "There would have been no one there to comfort him during those tough times," Syed thinks sadly. He has the idea that if he wasn't about to leave him, he would like to try to get Christian to open up more about his past; to speak honestly about what happened, rather than with the usual bravado he uses as a mask when he talks about that time. He wonders if a person can change; if it would be possible for Christian to now be content with just him. He faces up to the fact that life with Christian was never going to be simple. He wonders what he will do in the morning.

_Slightly less than an hour later_

"I can't get warm in that bed," Syed announces; as he stands looking down at Christian, who is lying on his stomach with his hands cradling his head, his face buried in his pillow.

"What?" Christian asks, startled. He quickly lifts his head to look up at him with eyes that are all red and puffy.

"I can't get warm in that stupid bed," Syed snaps. He pulls back the quilt and gets back in beside Christian.

"No?" Christian asks shakily, wiping away his tears.

"Can I have my pillow back?" he asks.

"Yea, sure," Christian responds huskily, letting go of it.

Without saying anything else, Syed puts his pillow back in its place and turns onto his side so that he's facing away from him, and settles down to sleep. After a few minutes, Christian inches over in the bed and carefully tucks himself in at his back; his hand tentatively coming around to rest against his stomach.

Syed starts to warm up again.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

_Two and a half years later – March 2015_

"Christian, don't you dare walk out that door," Syed warns.

"I won't be long," Christian mumbles, pulling the door after him.

_A few minutes later_

"Dad, hi. What brings you here; I thought you had surgery this morning?" Syed greets.

"I've just finished, and thought I'd pop in on my way for lunch," Yusef replies. "Looks like you've got your hands full," he adds, taking in the scene with Syed sitting on the couch feeding Samir whilst trying to comfort Kylie who is balanced precariously on his other knee and clinging to him.

"Yea, Kylie had a little accident, didn't you love?" he asks his daughter who is still tearful. "Show Jadd your knee, hon."

"Oh, you poor thing," says Yusef soothingly. "Come here and let the doctor take a look."

Kylie climbs down off the couch and limps over to have her knee examined.

"Oh it looks serious," Yusef diagnoses in his serious doctor's voice.

"Will I have to go to hopspital?" she asks excitedly.

"No, I think maybe a plaster and ... a teddy bear might do," he replies, dramatically producing one from inside his coat.

"Teddy bear, a teddy bear for me," she cries, jumping up and down on her injured leg.

"You spoil her with all these presents," Syed protests.

"Daddy, look," Kylie says, eagerly bringing the bear over for his inspection."

"He's lovely," Syed gives his opinion, after carefully looking him over. "What do you say?"

"Thank you," she says obediently. She goes to give her grandfather a hug, and he lifts her up onto his knee.

"Christian still at work?" he asks.

"No, he got home a little while ago, but had to go back out," Syed replies.

"When do you start back?"

"I've agreed with Tanya that I won't go back to doing afternoons at the Salon for a few months. Johnny and Mark have enough capacity to cover Christian's afternoon clients as well as their own; the bulk of his clients tend to be early morning, so Christian will carry on taking the afternoons off as usual. That way, we are both with the kids for a few hours each day."

"Afia mentioned that you've started back working 2-3 nights a week at the restaurant.

"Yea, it's pretty busy at the moment; they're doing such a great job running it.

"They make a good team," Yusef acknowledges. "How is everything going with the new premises?"

"Christian is absolutely thrilled to finally have his own gym," Syed says with a fond smile. "Jane was a real lifesaver, paying for the equipment with some of the money she got for the Cafe."

"Everything okay with you and Christian?"

"Yea, we're great, why?"

"No reason."

"Has he said something?" Syed asks, a note of worry entering his voice.

"No, of course not, forget it."

"Dad, what did he say?" Syed demands, his voice rising in panic. "Shush, shush," he says softly when Samir starts to cry. "It's okay honey," he soothes, stroking his cheek until he settles.

"Syed, I promise you, Christian hasn't said a word," Yusef insists, "but Tam and Afia ... we were talking about how busy you both are at the moment; and it's just that when Kylie was born ..." he trails off awkwardly.

"That was another lifetime," Syed responds defensively; "we sorted everything out back then, and we've never looked back. We talk about stuff all the time; and if something was bothering him, I know Christian would tell me."

"Okay, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything," Yusef responds; angry with himself for once more forgetting that he is not talking to his tough, wilful daughter but to his gentle, sensitive son. "Listen, I hate to leave on a bad note, but I just popped in to say hello; I'm actually due to be back at the surgery in about half an hour, and haven't had lunch yet."

"You could eat here; there's plenty of stuff in the fridge."

"No thanks; I'd love to, but Afia's expecting me at the restaurant. She wants me to try out a new dish she's hoping to put on the menu. But tomorrow I could come by."

"Yea, definitely," Syed agrees.

"You're not going to dwell on what I said, are you?"

"No, I won't," Syed assures him. "See you later."

_A few minutes later, in the park_

"Have you forgotten where you live?"

"Yusef," cries Christian, almost jumping out of his skin.

"My son needs you at home; I've just been to the house, and he looks worn out."

"I was about to go back," Christian replies guiltily, "just needed a bit of fresh air."

"Is everything all right?" Yusef asks casually.

"Yea, of course. Why? Has Syed said something? Is he angry with me?"

"Why would he be angry with you?"

"Well, I've done something silly," Christian awkwardly admits.

"What did you do? Did you cheat on him?" Yusef demands furiously.

"No, NO, why would you think such a thing?" Christian responds outraged.

"Tell me what happened," Yusef quickly moves the conversation along.

"I walked out when he was calling me; even though I knew he needed me to help him with Kylie, Samir and Fozzie," he admits sheepishly.

"Why did you do that?"

"I just couldn't cope with all the noise," he admits unhappily. "I've had a hectic morning, in fact a hectic few months. January to March is usually my busiest period; most of the New Year resolution guys who sign up usually make it to Easter before giving up. Today, one of my new clients accidently misjudged his punch; missing the hook-and-jab mitt and punching me in the face instead; and my head has been pounding ever since," he explains. "When I got home, as soon as I walked in the door, Fozzie started barking and ran towards me; Kylie tried to follow him, fell over her toy, and started crying; all of which woke Samir, which made Syed angry. And all the noise and everyone shouting, crying and barking at me all at once … well, I just couldn't take it, and had to get out. I'll go back in a minute."

"Why didn't you just tell Syed what happened?"

"At the moment, it's a bit difficult getting him to listen to anything that isn't baby-related," Christian finds himself confiding.

"I know I'm just being silly, over-reacting; but when that guy hit me, it really shook me up. You probably think I'm being selfish, and you're right ...," he trails off miserably.

"It's okay," Yusef sympathises. "I know it's not easy with you and Syed both working, and taking care of a two-month- and a three-year-old; but you really need to tell him how you're feeling."

"How can I explain to him that I'm missing him, even though he's right there in the room? I couldn't love Kylie, Samir and Fozzie more; and I feel so guilty for wanting Syed to myself for a little while."

"You love him; it's only natural for you to want time with him."

"You know, it still amazes me how relaxed you are about having a gay son; his first lot of parents reacted a little differently," Christian offers the understatement of the year.

"To be fair to Zainab and Masood (if we have to), we should remember that I've only ever known Syed as a gay man; whereas they thought they knew who he was, only to find out that there was this whole hugely-important area of his life they had no idea about. And also, of course, my being a doctor influences my thinking.

"My profession is based on facts, and one of those facts is that people have different preferences; they respond to different stimuli. For example, some men like savoury foods, others prefer sweet; and some are attracted to men, others to women. You asking me if I approve of Syed being gay would be like you asking me if I approve of you having green eyes. It's a redundant question; you have green eyes, it's a fact, and my approval or disapproval is irrelevant. Also, from a practical point of view; through my work, I need to be open-minded: for a doctor to have hang-ups about people being tall, short, heavy, slim, blond, dark haired, gay or straight, would mean he or she is not a good doctor."

"If everyone looked at it that way, the world would be a much better place," Christian says with feeling.

"I try to treat everyone fairly; but it's not always possible," Yusef admits.

"I suppose," Christian says uncertainly.

"I could never speak to Syed about this, but because you're so close to him, I can trust you," he hesitantly begins; surprised to find himself finally about to unburden himself to a man he's only recently gotten to know, but who he genuinely likes.

"Um, I trust you, too," Christian says unsurely.

"When I found out Syed was my son, it was like waking up from a nightmare," Yusef reveals. "It saved me from the hell I'd been in since the day I found out Zainab was cheating on me with Masood. Discovering my wife's betrayal almost sent me out of my mind with rage. In fact, at the time, I almost did something which would have haunted me for the rest of my life," he confesses.

"Yusef," Christian nervously tries to interrupt.

"And it wasn't just about feeling betrayed," he insists. "I had to face my family, my friends, my whole community after she and Masood had run off. You could never understand how difficult it was for me. In my culture, a man's honour is everything," he explains, his voice now shaking with emotion. "In the end I couldn't cope with the shame, and had to move away from my family, from everyone I knew; the whole experience is something I will never forget. The one thing keeping me going was the idea of making Zainab and Masood pay for what they'd done to me. And even my second wife and my beautiful daughter, both of whom I loved very much, couldn't bring me peace. When I came to the Square, my only focus was revenge; and I was so blinded by hate that I was prepared to sacrifice my daughter's happiness with Tamwar to get it. I wanted to destroy Zainab and Masood, and I almost did; I almost did something so terrible ..." he confesses shakily, his face going pale.

"Wow, steady on there, Dr Evil," Christian laughs uneasily.

"But finding out about Syed being my son changed everything," he says, ignoring Christian's attempts to halt his confession; his voice growing more passionate. "Syed is proof that I had a marriage in every sense of the word; I wasn't just a fool who got hoodwinked; Syed means the relationship I had with Zainab mattered. Zainab broke my heart, but now I've broken hers by taking from her the son she loves more than anything in the world. And I've repaid Masood for taking my wife, by taking his son from him. Everyone now knows that Zainab lied to Masood about Syed's parentage, so he's the one who is shamed."

"Well, technically, Zainab lost Sy because she couldn't accept us for Kylie's and Samir's sake," Christian tentatively reminds him. "Sy would have let her go on hurting him forever; but when she refused to build bridges after Kylie was born, to accept our relationship for Kylie's sake, he turned against her. You know how protective he is of the kids; and he knew that as Kylie got older, she would see that her daddies were being treated differently from Ozma's mummy and daddy, and it would hurt her. Syed has always been afraid that our kids would be treated differently, and the idea that Kylie's first homophobic experience would be at the hands of his own mother was more than he could bear. And as for Masood …"

"Syed will never speak to Zainab again because she lied to him about who his father was his whole life," Yusef declares, having not really listened to anything Christian's said. "He will never speak to Masood again because Masood is nothing to him now; I'm his father; his loyalty is to me. When I arrived in the Square, all I had was my beautiful, spirited daughter and my painful memories; but now I've got a wonderful son and three beautiful grandchildren; and my honour has been restored. I feel blessed; I've never in my life known such happiness," he admits, his voice choked with emotion.

"Dad, Christian, hi," Afia says, suddenly appearing at their side.

"Hi sweetheart," Yusef says, his voice friendly; his whole demeanour now completely relaxed, as if their conversation had never taken place; and Christian stares at him in wonder.

"Shouldn't you be at home by now?" Afia addresses Christian in her usual forthright tone.

"I'm taking a few minutes," he replies defensively.

"Well, I'm sure my brother would also like to take a few minutes, but he's too busy looking after your daughter and son. I've just come from yours; and even though he's keeping the bright side out, he looks exhausted."

"That's because he was working at your place last night, and didn't get home until 2am because you and Tam kept him chatting," Christian informs her, preparing for one of their "discussions".

"Well, all the more reason for you to give him a break, and let him come for a coffee with me," she replies sweetly, using her own convenient logic.

"Afia, enough ...," Yusef starts to say.

"Hey Afia, uncle Yusef, Christian?" Kamil calls, coming running across when he sees them. "Christian, you have to go home now; Syed can't bring me to the park to play football until you go home to look after Samir, cause he's too small to play football. So can you go home now, can you?"

"I thought Kylie and Ozma were also going to the park to play football?" Christian asks mischievously.

"Yea, Syed said they have to come too," Kamil admits sulkily, "but they're no good at football, so they can be goal posts."

"You are not going to make your nieces into goal posts," Christian warns.

"Yea, okay," he quickly agrees. "But are you going home now, or really, really soon?"

"Oh, for fudge's sake," Christian mutters, jumping up. "Right, if anyone's looking for me, I guess I'll be at home," he replies sarcastically before walking off.

"Great," replies Kamil happily.

"I thought Syed was coming for coffee with me," Afia says puzzled.

"He asked me to stay for lunch a few minutes ago," Yusef reveals.

###

"Did you have to send all of them after me?" Christian demands, walking in the door.

"What? I never said a thing, honest," Syed replies, smiling sweetly up at him.

"You didn't have to; they only have to see you with a hair out of place, and they're on my case. I was sitting in the Square for only a few minutes before they turned up, one after the other. They are so ridiculously protective of you."

"Yea," Syed says with a contented smile.

"Not that you don't deserve it," Christian admits huskily, leaning down to give him a gentle kiss.

"Actually, they are right, you do look exhausted," he observes, a note of concern in his voice.

"Why don't you go and lie down for a while.

"Will do, later; gotta go to the park with my posy for a kick about first? We'll probably only be gone about an hour."

"How's my boy? Christian asks, leaning down to take his son from Syed.

"He's a very good boy," Syed says, his voice filled with love.

"I'm good too," Kylie cries, coming running over to get her share of the attention.

"Of course you are, sweetie," Christian says, helping her to climb up onto the couch beside him.

"Hi," says Afia, walking in without ceremony. "No need to get up, I've just come for my nephew and niece; I'm not stopping."

"I wasn't going to," Christian replies, pulling a face at her.

"Have Tam and Ozma finally done a runner on you?" Syed asks teasingly.

"No; me, Tam, dad, Kamil and Ozma are having dinner, and we need two more to be able to call it a dinner party; and when we had a vote on which of you we'd prefer, everyone chose Kylie and Samir."

"Well, maybe," he replies uneasily, looking to Christian; who is grinning like a cat that's about to get the cream. "Okay, I'll get Samir's bag ready," he gives in, and goes and get it."

"We won't bring them back until around lunchtime tomorrow," Afia tells Christian.

"You're a star," he replies, giving her a grateful smile.

"He's just been fed and changed, and ..." Syed starts to say, returning a few minutes later.

"Love you," Afia cuts him off with a quick kiss on the cheek. She hands Kylie to Tamwar, who appears behind her; he waives 'hi' and 'bye', and walks off. Afia takes Samir and his bag, and follows him.

"Right, what should we do first?" Christian asks huskily, as he walks purposefully towards Syed.

"Well, there are dishes in the sink …," he teases.

"Yea, we could do those," Christian agrees, as his arms go around him, pulling him up against him, lifting him clean off the ground. Syed's arms wrap themselves around his neck and their mouths meet in a frenzy of mutual need.

###

"Wow," Syed grasps breathlessly, hours later.

"Yea," agrees Christian smugly, looking down at the effects of his handy work. He strokes Syed's flushed cheek, smoothing his dishevelled hair into some semblance of order; and leans down to place a gentle kiss on his open mouth, catching his breath as he exhales.

"How can you have recovered so quickly?"

"I work out," Christian proudly announces.

"I need to get fitter."

"No, you're perfect the way you are. I love your slight but perfect body, so soft and yet so firm. I wouldn't change a thing."

"Well, if you insist," Syed smiles, reaching up to pull him towards him for another kiss.

"Are you happy?" he asks after a little while.

"Yea, of course," Christian replies. "Where did that come from?"

"I was just wondering. Are you sure?"

"Okay, now I'm worried. Is something bothering you?"

"No, nothing. It's just that, well, I know it's all been a bit mad lately."

"We've been adjusting to a new baby," Christian gently reminds him.

"When Kylie was born ..."

"Sy, that was another life; it's completely different this time, you know that."

"Yusef mentioned ..."

"Dad."

"Dad mentioned something today that got me thinking."

"What did he say?" Christian asks curiously.

"He's worried we're struggling with everything, and that the last time we were in this situation …"

"Listen to me Syed Masood," Christian says sternly, "Yusef is way off with his assumptions; we're good, great even. We may be a bit stretched and not spending as much quality time together as we used to before Samir was born, but …"

"He was right; you're not happy," Syed says anxiously."

"Of course I am," Christian insists, "but I won't deny that I've needed this," he admits with a grin. "You know how much I love Kylie and Samir; but I love you, too, and I get a little lonely if you are distracted away from me for too long. And, _no_, not lonely enough to do anything stupid," he quickly adds when he sees the fear in Syed's eyes, "never lonely enough to do that."

"You promise," Syed can't help pleading.

"I promise," Christian says solemnly; and he seals it with a kiss.

"We could do this again," Syed says after a little while.

"Now?" he teases, pulling him closer.

"I mean spending time alone together," Syed laughs, half-heartedly pushing him away. "We can find time every day, if you like."

"Keep talking," Christian says enthusiastically.

"Well, I know I've been a bit distracted recently. Samir; he's so adorable, but so little, so fragile, he needs so much care; sometimes I just worry … but I could try to chill out a little," he offers, much to Christian's amazement.

"So you admit you've been obsessing," Christian teases.

"Maybe," he mumbles.

"I love you so much, my over-protective little mamma bear," Christian says huskily, finding another excuse to kiss him.

"I love you, too," Syed says softly; and they lie contentedly in each others' arms for a little while.

"You sleepy?" Syed murmurs eventually.

"No, you?"

"No," he responds, moving his position so that he's lying with his chin resting on his folded arms across Christian's chest.

"What are you thinking about?" Christian asks, staring deep into his beautiful brown eyes.

"I was thinking that we should go somewhere."

"Anywhere in particular?"

"We haven't been on a date since Samir was born; maybe we could go somewhere romantic. Maybe we could go to the little park in the middle of the Square where the benches and bushes are."

"Really? That's your idea of a romantic place?" Christian asks disbelievingly.

"It would be forever romantic for us, if we got married there," Syed says shyly.

"What?"

"If we …"

"Oh my God; I can't believe it; I never thought you'd even consider …" Christian cries, rolling them over and pinning Syed under him; and covering his face in kisses.

"Is that a 'yes'?" Syed giggles, once he calms down.

"As if you could doubt it," Christian laughs, kissing him properly. "This is the night that just keeps on giving," he adds delightedly.

"I hate to burst the bubble, but you are still married," he reluctantly reminds Syed after a little while.

"No, actually I'm not," Syed hesitantly replies. "I found out where Amira is living a few months ago and wrote to her. I asked if we could meet up, or if I could come and see her. I included my mobile number so that she could call me. I didn't really want to go to her home, in case I bumped into Qadim; but …"

"You did what?" Christian explodes. "Are you mad? She could have told him. He would have come after you with his thugs again," he adds, unable to control the fear in his voice. "I can't believe you would do something so reckless," he adds shakily.

"It was fine; listen to me, please," Syed begs; his hand moving to touch Christian's face; his thumb stroking his cheek, trying to calm him.

"Okay, tell me what happened," Christian says tensely.

"She called me within a couple of days; and told me in no uncertain terms that not only did she not want to meet up, but she never wanted to see me again. She angrily threatened all sorts, if I came anywhere near her home. She wouldn't listen to anything I tried to say; so in the end, I had no choice but to come straight to the point and blurt out that I wanted a divorce. It stopped her in her tracks for a moment, but she soon recovered and coldly informed me that she would sign any papers I sent her. She then hung up on me. That was our last conversation. I contacted our solicitor, he drew up the papers, she signed them, and we were divorced last week."

"That sounds way too easy," Christian responds sceptically.

"No, it wasn't easy," Syed replies sadly. "Hearing the anger and hurt in her voice, even after all this time, really brought it home to me how badly I've treated her. You were right in everything you said back then. What I did to her was cruel."

"Sy, you didn't deliberately set out to hurt her."

"She deserved better than for me to marry her just because it suited my mother," he replies bitterly. "I never really, properly thought of her as a person with feelings; I was too busy worrying about what was best for everyone else, including myself. I know I wouldn't like it if someone treated me that way; or if some guy did it to Kylie one day."

"You are a good person," Christian reminds him.

"No," Syed replies unhappily.

"You are, Sy. You're the best boyfriend in the world, and a wonderful father to two beautiful children. In the past, you made some bad decisions; but don't forget how terrified you were, and how much was at stake. You were right to be worried about how your family and community would react. You've paid dearly for the happiness you now have. You may have made mistakes in the past; but you've learned from them, and now you're a good man."

"Maybe I'm good sometimes," he reluctantly admits.

"Always, Sy, always," Christian murmurs softly.

"You're biased," Syed responds, but he can't help a little smile. "I hope that Amira finds happiness with a man who deserves her, and has a child of her own one day," he adds wistfully.

"Me, too," Christian says quietly.

They don't speak for a little while, and then Christian changes the subject.

"Have you told Yusef that you've been to see Masood; that you brought Kylie and Samir to see him?"

"No, it never came up," Syed replies evasively. "Why?"

"Well, I had a very interesting conversation with him today; and let's just say that, whilst I've had my moments with Zainab and Masood in the past, Yusef's feelings towards them actually scare me. I really think that you should wait until I'm around before you tell him."

"You worry too much," Syed laughs; glad that it's finally his turn to say it.

"Sy, I'm serious. His feelings about the past are so strong; the idea that he's gotten revenge on Masood and Zainab by taking you away from them, means so much to him. I'm not sure what he'll do when you tell him you're back in contact with Masood."

"Yusef wants what's best for me, he told me so," Syed says unconcerned. "Okay, okay, he's coming for lunch tomorrow; when you get home we'll both tell him," he adds, seeing the anxious look on Christian's face.

"Yea," Christian says very reluctantly; "although, if it was only a one-off, maybe we don't need to tell him at all," he adds hopefully.

"It wasn't a one-off; dad and I had the most honest talk we've ever had; he told me he still thinks of me as his son," Syed defiantly informs him. "Kylie was really happy to see him, and he to see her. When he held Samir in his arms for the first time, he had tears in his eyes," he adds huskily. "He said our little boy was a beautiful baby, which of course he is."

"That's nice," Christian weakly assures.

"I'm not going to go back to the way it's been for the past few months, with us acting like strangers," Syed snaps, "I got enough of that in the past. I want Kylie and Samir to grow up knowing their grandfather. It's what I want," he firmly insists. "So, when I was leaving, I told dad I'd bring them to see him again next week."

"Sy, I'm really not sure if this is such a good idea," Christian insists, thinking nervously of the look in Yusef's eyes when he was talking about destroying people.

"When dad first came to see us a few months after Kylie was born, he apologised to you for the way he treated you; and you can't deny that he's done everything he can to try to make amends to both of us for what happened back then.

"I know," Christian admits, "but ..."

"He was part of Kylie's life, part of our lives, until mum dropped the bombshell about Yusef being my father," Syed reminds him. "I don't actually know why she chose that particular day of all days to do it. It was really odd: one minute I was sitting in the Surgery waiting for Yusef to give me a flu vaccination jab; and the next minute she was bursting through the door all frantic, screaming, 'He's your son; Yusef, he's your son'. In the end, I didn't get my injection, and ended up getting a terrible flu; remember, I was in bed for three days over Christmas," he concludes grumpily.

"Masood ..."

"It took so long for him to accept me as I am; to accept us; to let down his guard and begin to treat you the way he used to treat you before he found out about us," Syed angrily interrupts, "and now, just because of something that happened before I was born, I'm supposed to cut him out of our lives."

"Hey, you're preaching to the converted. I was glad to have the old Masood back in my life too," Christian gently reminds him. He reaches out to stroke his cheek, but Syed jerks his head back out of his grip.

"Syed," he growls; his hand reaching out once more; and this time, Syed allows him to draw him into his arms.

"Sorry," he mumbles.

"Life with you is never boring, that's for sure," Christian says, and Syed can hear the smile in his voice.

Children, even children as young as Kylie, sense when things aren't right," Syed says, unwilling to let it go. "Over the last few months, she's asked me a few times where her funny grandfather has gone; not understanding why he suddenly disappeared out of her life. And, today, when you abruptly walked out, she asked me why you'd left, and when you would be coming back; and I could tell she was fretting about it," he neatly brings up the subject that has been at the back of his mind.

"I'm really sorry for running away," Christian says quietly.

"What was wrong?" Syed asks gently, drawing back to look at him. "Usually you have no problem with all the noise and craziness around here. In fact, you often cause it," he adds with a smile. "You think I don't notice when you lift Kylie up in the air and swing her around, even though you know it will send Fozzie crazy, barking and jumping up on you."

"Yea, he falls for it every time," Christian grins.

"So, tell me. Did something happen at work?"

"It was just ... I had this headache; one of the guys accidentally hit me."

"Oh why didn't you say," Syed cries, immediately moving his hand over his face searching for bumps."

"It's fine, really."

"Did you take anything for the pain? Do you still have a headache?"

"Well, you know those techniques they use when someone has a pain in their shoulder and they can cure it by massaging a muscle in their foot? Well, I think I now know which muscle you need to message to get rid of a headache," Christian says with a wicked grin.

"Christian Clarke, you're so naughty," Syed laughs.

"And you love it," Christian says in a knowing voice, making him blush furiously. "Are you happy?" he asks huskily.

"Yea, perfectly happy; I've never been happier," Syed assures him, a big smile lighting up his face.

"Good," he says contentedly, now kiss me."

"Syed obediently does as he's told."

The sound of the bedroom door slowly opening, has them looking sharply towards it; but there isn't anyone there, except Fozzie.

"Foz, did we forget you?" cries Christian horrified. "What time is it? You didn't get out for your bedtime bathroom break, you poor thing."

Syed draws an involuntary breath as Christian's body brushes against his as he climbs over him to get out of the bed.

"Really, you're ready for more?" he murmurs seductively, smiling down at him. He leans down to give Syed a long lingering kiss, which distracts them once more.

An impatient bark eventually forces him to reluctantly tear himself away. "Hold that thought," he murmurs softly before moving off the bed.

"We love you really," he tells Fozzie as they head down the stairs.

"He said _yes_," Syed murmurs to himself, a huge grin spreading across his face. "He said _yes_," he tells himself once more; giddy with relief, hugging himself tightly. He'd been so afraid Christian would find the idea of marriage too permanent or too much of a commitment; or even that he might hesitate before saying yes. How Christian responded was so important to Syed; if he'd seemed even slightly reluctant ...

He stretches out contentedly, his body still tingling from their lovemaking. He can't believe that even after the four and a half years they've been together, Christian can still make him tremble with the barest touch. When he takes him, he completely overpowers him; his physical reaction to Christian is instant; his need just as powerful as it was that earth-shattering first time back when everything was so different; when he'd had a very different plan for his life. He'd never been in a proper relationship before Christian, but everyone he talked to about it always insisted that after a while the heat fades; and that if you're lucky, you will be left with love and companionship. But with Christian it's never felt like that; his breath still catches in his throat every time Christian enters the room, or walks towards him; or smiles at him; or leans over him. Syed knows he's lucky, so lucky to have what they have together.

He then thinks about Kylie and Samir, his beautiful children whom he loves with all his heart; and about Tam and Afia, and little Ozma; he is so thankful that they are living so close; that they are all growing together. He prays that they make fewer mistakes than their parents have made.

He then reluctantly thinks about Yusef, whom he is now supposed to love as a father; and about Masood, whom he is no longer supposed to care about.

His mother's face pops into his head, but he pushes it away.

Not liking where they are headed, he turns his thoughts to Fozzie, his faithful pet. He is convinced that if he, Christian and Kylie were standing in different directions and calling his name; that Fozzie would come to him. He hasn't mentioned this to Christian or Kylie, but he knows it to be true.

After a little while, he hears the back door close.

"You want anything from the fridge?" Christian calls up.

"Bring some juice," he replies.

His heartbeat speeds up in anticipation, as he hears Christian's quick footsteps on the stairs.

_The end_

_I hope you liked it._


End file.
